Hank or Grissom?
by Jane Doe
Summary: It's all in the title. Please r/r! *Finished*
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: They are not mine! 

Feedback: You know I love it so don't make me beg. 

Spoilers: RfM. 

Hank or Grissom? 

By Jane Doe 

Oh God that hurts! I wish I could scream, or cry, or hit the wall, or anything! It hurts so badly that I think I am going to be sick. Shit the room is spinning...that can't be good. I'm on the interrogation room floor. How did I get on the floor? I don't remember falling. I was headed for the door after our suspect was lead away to find Nick. Then...I have to stop. It hurts too much to even think. 

"Sara we are so sorry. Are you okay?" 

I recognize the voice as Nick's. Well Nick what the hell do you think?! "I'm fine Nicky." I stop there; afraid I might throw up if I keep my mouth open any longer. I cup my bruised eye and close the other just briefly willing away the pain. I am surprised that it helps just enough to compose my nerves. I find it very relaxing. 

"Stay awake." Nick shakes my shoulders a little harder than necessary and both of my eyes fly open, which is a big mistake. The pain to the injured eye is indescribable. I clench my fists as the pain shoots through me. Son-of-a-bitch! I drop my hand from my eye but keep it closed. Out of the good eye I see Nick disappear and Greg begins to hover over me like the flu virus in the dead of winter. 

"You okay Sara? We didn't even see you." He forces a small smile. "Maybe you should add a few pounds to that body of yours. You had to fly back at least two feet." 

I know he is only trying to cheer me up but the swelling and splitting headache is making him more annoying than usual. "It's a hobby to see how far my body can be thrown by a door." I say sarcastically. 

He twitches nervously. "We really are sorry." 

"You said that already." I mumble. I close my eyes again only to have them pried open by a hand. The light suddenly becomes unbearable. My body screams for it to stop. Why is it so bright? Finally my pupils shrink and I can see; well I can see a little out of the left eye. The subject causing further agitation is a damn maglite! I rock my head to the side to get away from the hand. 

"Sara can you hear me?" 

It is Grissom. Kind, friendly, smart, blue eyes, amazing, Gil Grissom. No wait. He is the jerk pointing the light in my eyes! It figures, the man doesn't have a gentle bone in his body. Well at least not with me. Maybe someone else, I don't really know. I blink my eyes hard to get rid of the blue and green spots. 

"Sara can you hear me?" He repeats. 

I peek out the one good eye I have left. "Yes I can hear you. I'm not dead." 

I could make out a tiny frown but there was a sparkle in his eyes that betrayed his disapproval. "Well you were unconscious for almost four minutes." 

Four minutes? But I was just talking to Greg. When did that happen? I don't even remember it coming. That cannot be good at all. I must have really gotten hurt. The thought makes me feel sick again; another bad sign. 

Grissom pries open my right eye assaulting it again with light. "Quit!" It took all my strength to shove his hand away. "I can't see as it is, so I don't need you blinding my one good eye with your little doodad." I couldn't think of the word. What is it? I use it all the time at crime scenes. Something about a flash. Oh well my head hurts. No! Flashlight! Ha! I got it! 

Grissom looked over his shoulder to Nick and Greg. "Go call an ambulance. She has a concussion. She needs to get to the hospital." 

"Sure." Nick and Greg both sprint to the door at the same time and collide with each other. "That's what put Sara on the floor in the first place Greg." 

"Hey you were running too." 

"I was working the case with her! You weren't!" 

"It was my information!" 

"It was your stupidity!" 

"Look who is talking?!" 

Out of cracked eyes I watch the scene before me. I want to yell to stop the noise but Grissom does it for me. 

"Nick! Greg! You're grown men, now stop bickering!" 

Nick's head drops between his shoulders. "Sorry Gris." 

"Yeah sorry Grissom." Greg mutters. 

Grissom sighs loud enough for me to hear, which starts to worry me some. I don't know why, but it does. Maybe it was just another blackout coming. 

"Now Greg I want you to go back to the lab, and no buts. Catherine was looking for you and Nick get the ambulance. I'll stay with Sara." Grissom turns to look at me. "And don't run!" 

His last shout sent an immediate stab of pain through my head starting at the eye socket and traveling to my forehead. I slowly realize my eyes are closing again. I try to keep them open this time but my struggles finally fail and my eyes close. 

"Sara I need you to open your eyes. Even the bad one if you can." 

But my head hurts! 

"Please Sara, just stay awake." His voice was soft, almost a whisper. It is probably just me that thinks he is whispering. I have heard of pain affecting all of the senses when it is extreme enough. I wonder if this is the side effect or if I am fading in and out of consciousness. Well I am thinking and I am semi-aware of my surroundings. I guess I am not blacking out again. What did I have for lunch? Wait, what does that have to do with anything? "Ow!" I jump slightly as Grissom touches my bad eye. 

"Good you are still awake. You were too quiet all of the sudden." 

I cover my eye. "I won't be awake too much longer if you keep hurting me." 

"Good you got out a full sentence that required thought." 

He smiled at me. He just smiled at me. It wasn't a little mysterious smile; it was a complete grin of joy. I even saw his teeth. I sure hope I am not hallucinating because that would sure be nice. He's gorgeous when he smiles. Too bad my whole face hurts or I would smile back. 

"Let me take a look." 

I sit there as he again checks the left eye then moves to the bruised one. "How bad does it look?" I squeak. 

He stops to smile down at me again. "Like you were hit by a door. It's bruised and swelling rapidly but there is no blood around your eye so I don't think there is any permanent damage. I want you to try and open your right eye." 

"It hurts." 

"I know." 

It wasn't a cocky 'I know', it was a caring, sympathetic 'I know'. It gave me strength to will every muscle in my right eye to work. Through the swelling I manage to get another crack of light in. The light is as bright as the flashlight and I shut it tight. I try again, and again, and again. My eye begins to water and I feel the tears dripping down the side of my cheek. Grissom brushes away one that threatens to reach my ear. The contact startled me. After all openly touching each other is almost a barrier we never cross. It was like going to the museum with 'Do Not Touch' signs everywhere. It was just off limits. Yet when I look up at him he doesn't seem to mind touching me. Is it the concussion or confusion making my head hurt? I don't know how to regard Grissom nowadays. It's like walking on eggshells. There are good days and there are bad days. I never know when another good day will come along, so I try not to wait for it. I did say try, implying failure on my part. 

"That's good enough." He says softly. "Now we know you have control over your eye muscle; another good sign it's not permanent." 

His words bring comfort to my body. I suddenly feel tired and drained by the whole ordeal of opening my eyes so I don't fight it. I close my eyes and began to give away to sleep. 

"Sara no, you can't sleep. You have a severe concussion and need to stay awake." 

"But I'm tired." I mutter. Just as I was starting to doze off he shook my shoulders and I jumped. "What?!" 

"You were falling asleep." 

"No I wasn't." I denied. 

"Yes you were." 

"No I wasn't." I open my eyes to a larger crack but again give in and close them. 

"Dammit Sara if you fall asleep on me..." 

"I won't Grissom." I say with annoyance but my eyes remain closed. I manage to blink softly a few times to release another collection of tears onto my cheek. I boldly sneak a peek at the man leaning over me. This must be a better day. "Don't worry Gris. I am right here and not going anywhere." 

"You better not." He warns brushing the tears from my cheek again. 

I don't like confusion, but I can accept this. I only wish I was _fully_ aware of his little touches or felt something other than pain on that side of my face. I mean here he was touching me, freely I might add, and all I feel is a dull ache of pain. Why does it always end in torture? Just as the thought enters my already groggy mind, Hank walks in with his medical kit in hand and rushes to my side. 

"Baby? Are you okay?" 

Now I am ready to pass out. I quickly look at Grissom and he backs away from me with a noticeable twinge of pain in his eyes. It's an unmistakable pain, as if your heart is ripping. I am still mending mine and wonder if his will ever heal for anyone. No don't go, I scream, but it never reaches my lips. If I could turn back time, I would have never gotten out of bed the day I called Hank baby. It was a mistake, but I can't take it back. It was said and it is done. 

"Sara? What happened to you? Talk to me." 

A soft glow from a tiny light parades my eyes. I notice Hank isn't as forceful as Grissom, but that probably had to do with training. I manage to find my voice. "Yeah I'm fine. The door and I had a fight." 

He smiled. Hank has a great smile, and he smiles all the time. He smiles at the sunshine I bet! He really is a great guy. He is the all around guy that you want to have around for life. These people make the best of friends. Friends. I am pretty sure that's all we are. I don't know if I want something more but maybe it's already something more than friendship. It's true that we go out to the movies like I said, and he asked me to dinner and I couldn't say no. I guess that's a date, it was at a really nice restaurant. Well for some people it is a date. I don't know anymore. That line was blurred a long time ago. Maybe he is my boyfriend. He is always there for me, he likes me, and we do spend time together. Most would consider that as a boyfriend. But...go ahead and say it, he isn't Grissom. Maybe that is why I am holding out. It doesn't feel right with Hank. 

His gloved hand on my face distracts me from my train of thought. Grissom didn't wear gloves. He wasn't afraid to touch me, why is Hank? I mean the theory around the office is that I am closer to Hank than to Grissom, so why is he afraid to touch me with his bare hands? Hell I drink after him! We shared a Coke yesterday! That's germs on germs! Almost a kiss! I wanted to scream in offense but he cut me off. 

"Let's get you off this floor. Does that sound good?" 

I slowly nod my head but Hank does most of the work. He practically picks me off the floor but I am awarded a view of the room. Catherine and Warrick are here standing next to Nick in the corner. Greg pokes his head in from the doorway and Grissom is to the left behind Hank. He is not looking at me. I don't blame him. I feel horrible. 

"Okay Sara, sit down and just breathe while I examine your eye." He sits me down and prepares my on site treatment. He crouches down in front of me resting a hand on my thigh for support. I don't mind the contact. He touched me before and it's normal for us now, but Grissom stares at his hand like a parasite. "This may, no, it will hurt." 

"What is it?" My voice doesn't sound like my own anymore. Maybe I'm not me anymore. 

"It will help your eye so you can open it and I can have a look." He deposits three stinging drops into my eye. 

I grab my eye. "Shit!" 

"Blink Sara and don't rub it out. It has to do its job." 

Its job?! What is it, to burn my eye from it's secure purposeful location in my head?! I hiss in pain and the nausea comes back. I blink but it hurts too much and I have to stop. Oh my head! It starts to spin again. 

"She has a concussion. Do you think it's wise to cause her more pain? She could pass out again." 

My eyes are flooded with tears; some from the drops but most from crying. I squint away the pain to see Grissom now standing directly behind Hank. 

"Mr. Grissom I know what I am doing. Sara's concussion is very important but I have to determine if there is any real damage to her eye. Besides she is fully responsive now." 

"She blacked out for four minutes and it might happen again. Responsive now doesn't ensure responsive later, especially if she is in a mild shock from the pain." 

Hank turns back to me. "Sara how are you feeling?" 

I look at Grissom then at Hank. I don't want to side with either one. Hank does know how to do his job and I trust his ability to help me. I don't appreciate Grissom second guessing him in front of everyone. Yet Grissom does have a good point and I value his opinion more than anyone realizes. Even though Grissom doesn't show it in an obvious way, I know he cares. All of the sudden my head hurts more. It must be the thinking. The dull ache turns to a sharp pain, but instead of yelping out I lie. "I'm fine." 

Hank whispers in my ear letting his lips brush my cheek on it's voyage. I shudder. "Liar." He backs away with a cute smile on his face that would normally be welcome but the sharp pain is now throbbing. "Do you need the stretcher or can you walk to the ambulance?" 

"Walk." I mutter. 

"I'll go get the stretcher then." He shot me another smile of white teeth and disappears from the room. I drop my eyes closed to calm my queasy stomach and achy head. Before I knew it Grissom had me by the shoulders. I flinched; totally unaware of what is happening. It is getting darker now. I try to keep my eyes open but I fail miserably. 

"Sara!" 

I knew someone was calling my name but it sounded like a whisper and distant. Then I couldn't hold myself up anymore. I think... 

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A/N: Sorry about that, but it got longer than I wanted it to and I had to stop. I know it's evil but I didn't want to bore you. I'll continue as soon as I figure out if Grissom's POV is in order or if I should continue it as a Sara POV. 


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: This chapter is Grissom's POV of the accident since that is what you all want. I was reluctant to write it b/c this really started as a Sara POV fic, hence the title but it's developed into something else. Rory you put it best, the CSI Love Triangle, I think that's what I should have named it!lol **Geena you know I got to. You are the most bestest person in the whole wide world! I know you are tired of hearing it but thanks for your help! Clarification is the key! ~**Dana 

Chapter 2 

"Okay Warrick, I'll be in my office until that warrant comes through." 

"Sure thing Gris." He walks down the hall towards the lounge where I know he is going to go visit with Catherine. We all just got finished taking apart the car from the crime scene but didn't find anything worth getting excited over. It was a long start of shift and we all felt the strain. 

I sit down in my dark office. Tossing my specs down carelessly on the desk before me, I let the cool darkness surround me as I close my eyes. It is peaceful. 

"Grissom!" My eyes fly open in alert. Nick stands in the doorway to my office bobbing on one foot. "Sara's hurt. We need you to come quick." 

Those words hit me like a ton of bricks. Never in my life have I felt like the world stopped turning. The possibility that Sara, caring, beautiful, amazing, big brown eyed Sara Sidle, was hurt made me jump into action mode. "Where is she Nick?" 

"Come on." Nick bolts down the hall and I run after him. 

What happened? Was she shot? I didn't hear a shot. Did my hearing lapse? Shit I hope not. Did a suspect attack her? Was she alive? What is the extent of her injuries? Nick just said hurt, implying she is breathing, but his urgent manner is scaring the hell out of me. Oh Sara please be okay. We finally reach the interrogation room where I catch a glimpse of Sara lying lifelessly on the cold floor. Greg is kneeling beside her with an expression of fear plastered on his face. 

"Move Greg!" Nick yells. "Let Grissom have a look at her." 

Greg jumps up and away, granting access to my Sara. "Grissom she hasn't said anything in like a minute. I think she's unconscious." 

I lower my body to her side. Her head is slumped to the right side. I don't understand. She only looks like she is sleeping. She appears unharmed. "What's wrong with her? Did she faint?" As the words leave my mouth I grab her chin to get a good look of her face. Her normally flawless pale skin was becoming a massive bruise. I stare at her in shock. The bruising extended from her cheekbone to her right temple. 

"We were um...trying to show her the lab results. When we came in we hit her with the door." Nick says while pacing behind me. 

"It was a complete accident." Greg quickly adds. 

"Sara can you hear me?" She didn't move. This was more than a bump by the door; this was done with force. Sara is frail as it is but that didn't change the fact that this wasn't as simple as Nick and Greg were making it. "This is a pretty bad black eye for just a light bump by a door." I turn to them. 

They exchange glances. "We were running." Nick mumbles. "She caught the force of the door when we barged into the room." 

Good God. Two grown men, a door, and a one hundred and ten pound woman; the math was easy to calculate. My hand wanders to her wrist to check her pulse. It is strong but fast; almost like it's fluttering. I take her hand in mine. "Sara if you can hear me squeeze my hand." I wait. And wait. And wait but nothing. I grab my handy maglite from my pocket and begin to check her pupils. "I can't believe you two. Can I ask what was so important that you had to run like school children?" I say over my shoulder. 

Sara's pupils are semi-responsive which is good. Her right eye is a mess. It's a deep crimson red as the blood vessels broke upon impact by the door but I am relieved that there is no blood flowing _from_ the eye. That would mean trouble. I know she had to be in great pain when it happened and it angers me to see her this way. I have to turn to the guys for my answer, but no explanation leaves their mouths. Their faces tell me that whatever it was it wasn't as important anymore now that Sara is hurt. 

Again I focus back on Sara to wake her. I know the only chance that she will wake up is dependent on words. When someone is unconscious the best method of revival is talking; something to bring them back. My voice is not demanding but has a coaxing tone. "Sara come on. I know you have plenty to say to those two, but you have to open your eyes. Come on Sara, open them. I'll assign paperwork for both of them for the next month if you just wake up." I smile at my own choice of words but she doesn't smile back. She still hasn't moved. Dammit! I turn my maglite back on to check her pupils again. First the bad then the...she moves. 

"Sara can you hear me?" Please say something. Don't fall asleep again. I am right here Sara, now wake up. Her only response is a groan as she rocks her head to get away from my flashlight. She blinks a few times. "Sara can you hear me?" I slowly repeat dropping my light for a few minutes. 

She peeks up at me. "Yes I can hear you. I'm not dead." 

Relief washes over me. I frown at her for being such a smart-ass but I think my eyes betray me. "Well you were unconscious for almost four minutes." I say. 

Her face becomes one of sincere confusion. She must not have remembered passing out. Of course that's what happens when you black out, most of the time you don't see it coming. One minute you are fine then it's dark. I notice she is hardly able to keep her eyes open. I start to worry and assault her eyes with my light again. I pry open her good eye to check her again. 

"Quit!" She shoves my hand away. "I can't see as it is, so I don't need you blinding my one good eye with your little doodad." 

Doodad? This is worse than I thought. She is having memory trouble. I turn away from her to Nick and Greg. "Go call an ambulance. She has a concussion. She needs to get to the hospital." 

"Sure." Nick and Greg both sprint to the door at the same time and collide with each other. "That's what put Sara on the floor in the first place Greg." 

"Hey you were running too." 

"I was working the case with her! You weren't!" 

"It was my information!" 

"It was your stupidity!" 

"Look who is talking?!" 

I have had enough. "Nick! Greg! You're grown men, now stop bickering!" 

Nick's head drops between his shoulders. "Sorry Gris." 

"Yeah sorry Grissom." Greg mutters. 

I release a heavy breath I didn't know I was holding. "Now Greg I want you to go back to the lab, and no buts. Catherine was looking for you and Nick get the ambulance. I'll stay with Sara." As I say her precious name I turn to look at her. "And don't run!" I shout. Sara's face twists in pain at my yelling. Sorry. Her eyes slowly begin closing again. "Sara I need you to open your eyes. Even the bad one if you can." She doesn't listen and her eyes remain closed. "Please Sara, just stay awake." My voice is lowered. I hope she notices enough to stay awake. It's ironic that I am trying to keep her awake by using something that would surprise her. Talking in a soft caring voice shouldn't be a surprise but it is between us. Her eyes never open and I realize she has been quiet too long for my liking. I boldly touch her injured eye to see if I can get a response. 

"Ow!" She jumps in pain. 

Sorry. "Good you are still awake. You were too quiet all of the sudden." 

She covers her eye. "I won't be awake too much longer if you keep hurting me." 

Sorry. "Good you got out a full sentence that required thought." I am unable to catch my smile from becoming a grin. I really do treasure her whit and right now it is more than welcome. The unconscious Sara was like a nightmare. Her eerie figure will invade my dreams for nights to come I am sure. My grin slowly fades, as it's not returned probably due to the pain, and I touch her cheek. "Let me take a look." I examine the left eye then move to the bad right eye. 

"How bad does it look?" She squeaks beneath me. 

Suddenly I feel like the overweight nurse I had in grade school. Well that's an odd side-thought. I stop prying her eye to take a good overview of the damage. "Like you were hit by a door. It's bruised and swelling rapidly but there is no blood around your eye so I don't think there is any permanent damage. I want you to try and open your right eye." 

"It hurts." 

"I know." I say with understanding. 

Through the swelling she manages to get cracks of light in. The light must seem bright because she immediately shuts them. After many try's her eyes begin to water. I watch a collection sit on the rim of her eye. Her eyelashes beat them and one large tear gives away to gravity. It starts slow at first then picks up speed as it cascades down her bruised cheek. I quickly but gently brush it away as it nears her ear. She looks at me in surprise but I am not surprised at all. Her skin is as soft as I imagined. I know openly touching each other is almost a barrier we never cross. It was like going to the museum as a kid with 'Do Not Touch' signs everywhere. I remember my teacher scolding me for touching an exhibit of the early caveman when I was in the third grade. She said that it was just off limits. I could see but not touch. That's how I treated Sara. I watch her and take in every detail with my keen eyes but never touch her. Yet I felt an overpowering need to touch her before that stubborn tear reached her ear. 

It's hard to go day to day working with a woman that...well I don't really know what she does to me. The tug-of-war we have going is growing tiresome but it is my wall for now. My wall. I love it; I hate it. It protects me; it suffocates me. I love it; I hate it. "That's good enough." I say coming out of my trance. I know it must hurt. "Now we know you have control over your eye muscle; another good sign it's not permanent." Suddenly she looks tired and starts to close her eyes. "Sara no, you can't sleep. You have a severe concussion and need to stay awake." 

"But I'm tired." She mutters before going limp. I frantically grab her shoulders and shake them. "What?!" She suddenly yells. 

"You were falling asleep." 

"No I wasn't." 

She's so stubborn. "Yes you were." 

"No I wasn't." 

She opens them to a crack but again her eyelids collapse over those brown eyes of hers. I feel myself getting angry. Where is that ambulance? Isn't that why we pay taxes? For quick response to emergencies? She needs care now. I try to keep her awake by scolding her. "Dammit Sara if you fall asleep on me..." 

"I won't Grissom." She says cutting me off. Her eyes remain closed except for a few blinks now and again to expel the tears flooding her eyes. "Don't worry Gris. I am right here and not going anywhere." 

"You better not." I warn and again find myself brushing the tears from her cheek. It seems to be an act of compulsion now. It's my goal to touch her as many times as I can before I attract attention to myself. I guess I am getting ready for hibernation. I have to stock up on caresses before I close the door of my winter cave. My bitter cold winter starts as soon as Hank Peddigrew drops down beside me. Of all the paramedics in Vegas he is the one called. 

"Baby? Are you okay?" 

Baby? Baby? Baby?! He just called Sara baby! I look at her and our eyes meet. She doesn't appear as shocked as I do by the pet name. I back away from them. I can't breathe. She said they were just friends. Friends don't call each other baby! I feel the knots in my stomach constrict but I don't know why this is bothering me so much. I assured her and myself that I was okay with this, but the knots just pull tighter. 

"Sara? What happened to you? Talk to me." 

Well thank God he didn't call her baby again. I stumble slightly. I want to leave but I can't. I just can't. I learned so much about their relationship in that second it took for him to call her baby. I had to see her reaction to him. Why Gil? You like torture don't you? She's not yours. If you did have her, you lost her long time ago. My chest joins my stomach as it constricts. I think that means my heart is breaking. 

"Yeah I'm fine. The door and I had a fight." 

I see him smile warmly at her. I thought Sara was just friends with Hank. I thought she would always be around. I thought her getting a life was one of independence not one of companionship. I thought she wouldn't leave me. I thought a lot of things but I never thought she would break my heart. I blink hard. 

"Let's get you off this floor. Does that sound good?" 

She slowly nods and he, I cringe, picks me off the floor by placing a hand around her waist and one gripping her arm. She scans the room. Out of my peripheral vision I realize that the entire nightshift is there with me. Before she can make eye contact with me I drop my gaze to the floor again. If she sees my eyes she will know. Maybe that's just my problem; I didn't let her know. 

"Okay Sara, sit down and just breathe while I examine your eye." 

She is distracted as he prepares first aid, so I can continue to stare. Upon finding the medication he crouches down in front of her. He carelessly rests a hand on her thigh. I stare at it with disgust. He doesn't need to touch her...there. I feel my breathing quicken. Where else has his hands been Sara?! I feel my heartache deepening as I start to get mental images. I contemplate running but I can't tear my eyes from his hand on her. 

"This may, no, it will hurt." 

Well no shit! Jesus look at her! 

"What is it?" 

"It will help your eye so you can open it and I can have a look." He deposits three drops into her eye. 

There is an immediate reaction. She quickly grabs her eye. "Shit!" 

"Blink Sara and don't rub it out. It has to do its job." 

She starts to blink wildly to get the drops out of her eye. She is getting sick. I know that look and it's unmistakable. And if her slight sway was any indication, she was getting weak also. My anger disappeared when I saw her in pain again. I pushed away all my feelings about what I just witnessed between those two. 

"She has a concussion. Do you think it's wise to cause her more pain? She could pass out again." I try not to sound cocky but I can't hide my disgust for this man. 

"Mr. Grissom I know what I am doing. Sara's concussion is very important but I have to determine if there is any real damage to her eye. Besides she is fully responsive now." 

"She blacked out for four minutes and it might happen again. Responsive now doesn't ensure responsive later, especially if she is in a mild shock from the pain." 

He turns back to her. "Sara how are you feeling?" 

Well how do you think she feels? For someone that is suppose to love her, he sure is a reckless when regarding her feelings. He doesn't no a damn thing about Sara. Greg probably knows her better! I look at her as she exchanges glances between me and Hank. There is hesitation in her eyes. Just tell him how you feel Sara. It's not about favoritism, even though I am right and would never risk your health like that idiot. 

"I'm fine." It's a lie. 

Hank startles me by leaning into her ear brushing his lips against her cheek on the way. He is practically kissing her in front of me! I mean us. That's not very professional. My anger increases ten folds. He whispers something but I can't hear then he backs away. Good. He needs to get away from her; he can take that hand with him too. 

"Do you need the stretcher or can you walk to the ambulance?" 

"Walk." She mutters. Another lie. Is she doing it for his or my sake? 

"I'll go get the stretcher then." He quickly rushes passed me and out the door. 

I never take my eyes off Sara. She is no longer my Sara. I was naive to think such a thing. Who am I to tell her to quit seeing him? I am just her mentor or an _old_ friend. It's never been anything more. If it wasn't for this pain in my chest, I would be happy for her. In a way I counted on this. If she is with someone else then there is no pressure on me to do something; she is taken and I can stop loving her now. Love? The word is strange to me and I can't believe I just said it. I mean I like her company. There that's better. 

But she lied to me! Why would she keep him a secret? I don't understand. I'm confused. Sara wouldn't lie to me, would she? It not like her. I can't believe she did this! 

My ranting is broken as I watch Sara's eyes close and she begins to sway in her chair. She rocks to the side then forward ready to fall to the floor, but I catch her just in time. When I grasped her by the shoulders, a little harder than I intended, she flinches but her eyes lose the battle and they close. 

"Sara!" I shake her shoulders and call her name again. "Sara!" She falls into my chest in another lifeless heap. 

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A/N #2: I hope it wasn't a mistake writing Grissom's POV or I should say I hope you liked it. It was hard to think how Grissom would feel. If he seems out-of-character, sorry, I made him act like I would act in such a situation. I hope it wasn't completely off. Please send a review and tell me what you think. Thanks! 


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Um another Grissom chapter to get some perspective on the situation. Sara is unconscious and doesn't make a good narrator. Next chap will be hers though. This one is basically Grissom getting back on track. I find him as one of those people that would automatically rationalize and run the other way. Don't worry I didn't give away the chapter but I just thought I'd warn you that this isn't going to be a romance. Have fun! 

Chapter 3 

"Sara!" I shake her shoulders again but nothing. I lead her to the floor. The dead weight frightens me. She looks so... "Sara, can you hear me?" 

Nothing. Dammit! I caress her face to get some kind of response but her head falls limply to the side. I squeeze her hand but again nothing. I realize I would rather her be okay and with someone else than have her in a coma. I couldn't live by the hospital bedside of Sara Sidle. That would really break my heart. She is too full of life to watch her sleep forever. I need her to be okay. She will be okay, I know she will be. She has to be. She's always there and always okay. She has to be okay for me. 

"What happened?!" 

Hank drops down beside me. I am unable to control my anger. "What the hell does it look like?!" 

He glares at me. "Mr. Grissom get away from her." 

"No." It is an automatic response. I don't want to leave her with him. 

"We need to work." 

I blink hard and look around the room. No one can look at me. I step back to allow access for Hank and his partner to jump into action. I scold myself for being so stupid to think he just wanted to be with her. I'm not thinking straight. What's wrong with me? I watch them check her pulse. They share a worried glance and it shakes me to the core. With a quick nod Hank retrieves a stimulant from his med kit. He waves it under her nose. 

"Sara wake up." He urges. 

She rocks to the side and throws up. Hank just steps aside, unfazed, and rubs her back. "Can you hear me Sara?" 

Without a word she rolls to her back with her eyes closed again. His hand is across her stomach now. I feel sick. It's almost too much. 

"Sara, I'll use it again if I have to now wake up." 

I am surprised by his stern tone. He seems either very angry that she passed out again or he is really scared. 

"Grissom." 

It's only a whisper but we hear it. I am not mistaken, I know because she says my name again. I am by her side in two seconds. "Sara? It's me Grissom. Can you open your eyes Sara?" 

"Tired." She slurs. 

I roughly rub her arm to get her to stay with me. "It's the concussion." Her eyes blink then they close again. God this is horrible. She can't even keep her eyes open. 

"Move Mr. Grissom." Hank stares at me. "Please." 

I back away from her again and in perfect synchronization they slide her onto the scretcher. Her form is still limp and her arm flops over the side. It captivates me until Hank grabs her wrist and gently places it against her side. He does care about her I know. 

"Do you want to ride with her?" 

He is talking to me. What do I say? I want to go but she doesn't need me. She wouldn't want me there. She has him. I stare at her beautiful figure. The injured eye has stopped swelling but the bruising is getting worse. She looks cold. I can't breathe anymore. 

"Mr. Grissom are you coming with Sara or not?" 

"Go. She needs treatment." I utter the words without knowing why I say them. I want to go but I can't. My legs won't move, my chest won't take in air, and my eyes won't stop stinging. She is going to be okay. It's just a bump on the head. No big deal. Right? If I go then it's all too real that she doesn't want me. She'll be just fine. I don't even sound convincing to myself. 

They exit with Sara. I look across the room and again no one meets my eyes. They all stare after Sara then drop their gaze to the floor. I suddenly feel trapped and need air. I shuffle out of the room with my head lowered. I make my way to my office. It will serve as my refuge for now. I manage to collapse in my chair before I pass out. 

"Hey Grissom?" 

My head shot up to the door. "Yeah Nick?" I croak out. 

"Catherine went to the hospital and said she'll call with updates." He pushes himself inside the door. "Do you think she'll be okay?" 

It's almost a whisper, like he doesn't even want to let others know that he was thinking the worst. I sigh. "I hope so Nick." I pull my glasses on to show that I am in control and ready to work, but I feel like I am in pieces. "Let's just get back to work." 

He seems upset that I dismiss Sara as if she means nothing to me. Or maybe he is disappointed that I can't comfort him by for once showing that I do feel something, anything. I know all he needs is reassurance but he doesn't seem to begrudge me for not supplying it. Sometimes I wish I could change that. When I see Warrick struggling with his addiction, or I see Catherine upset because she let Lindsay down again because of work, or I see Nick right now in front of me seeking a father figure to tell him everything will be okay. Most of the time the urge hits me to become something I am not when I see Sara in distress. I hate to see her that way, but she knows better now. She doesn't come to me with feelings, only facts about a case. The time she came to me crying was the last time I saw her so exposed. Granted I have seen her discouraged and frustrated but never upon the verge of crying ever again. When I saw those tears, I was at a total loss. I was unprepared for it so I let her walk out without any reassurance. 

"It's the way the system works." I said. 

What the hell kind of man, or friend, was I to side with the system. I hate it too. I hate to see the bad guy walk. She came to me to get it all out and I offered no relief from her pain. I told her she needed a diversion and in a way she was seeking one in me that day. I was her outlet for that brief moment because she couldn't keep it in anymore and I didn't help her any whatsoever. She walked away; where I do not know but I did care. After she left I rode roll coasters for almost an hour and went home. The days after, she stopped letting me see that side of her. The sad thing is I wanted it that way. The first of my mistakes. I can't help but feel that I missed something big, something major, that would explain everything. 

Now, her third year working with me, she has become even more disconnected from cases. Catherine even said that she seems more distant. I guess I should be proud that she has evolved into a better CSI but it rings false. It's not the Sara I remember. I am not who I remember. I ride roller coasters less and less and hide away more and more. It used to be a diversion but it's losing its appeal. I am growing tired of the struggle. I want to explain that distancing myself is my defense; the only defense I have to keep from crumbling and becoming attached. I can't do that, not for anyone or anything. 

Sara has a diversion now; Hank. I am sure he is a great person if Sara likes him. She was always a good judge of character. He kissed her and he touched her thigh. Friends don't do that. He loves her. Who wouldn't? I couldn't though. Does she love him? It shouldn't change anything but it will, it does, and it has. I assumed the worst and made them a couple. I can't help but think that I was only pushing her further away. Now they are a couple and I am her boss. A friend at most. 

I should be relieved but I am not. 

I wish I could give it all away. Give away the headaches, the burdens, the threats, just everything. Give it all away just to have somewhere to go to. Give it all away to have someone to go home to. 

I glance up and realize Nick left. I didn't help him any I know. He will seek comfort in Warrick. They are close friends; almost brothers. I hope they help each other. I slouch back in my chair letting the darkness seep into my soul. I missed something. I know it. 

"What am I doing?" I say aloud but get an answer from someone beside the voice in my head. 

"Well nothing constructive." Jim stands in my doorway. "I got that warrant." He says patting his pocket. 

I quickly pull on my glasses trying to pull myself together. I am good at switching gears. I can do this. Nothing has changed and everything will be okay. I am happy for her. I nod to Jim. "Good." 

"I heard what happened to Sara. And I heard about you." 

My legs stopped working and I couldn't get up. So much for getting passed this. "What about me?" 

He came into my office. "Took a nice chunk out of that EMT. I have to say that I am shocked." 

God I really was out of line in there. What was I doing in there? I almost completely lost my composure out of jealousy. It's not like me at all. That doesn't happen to me. I have to suck it up and move on. As long as Sara is okay then I'll be okay. I don't care who she is sleeping with. It's none of my business. 

"So did it feel good to tell someone off." 

"Jim, I did not take a 'chunk out of that EMT' or tell anyone off." 

He raised his eyebrows. "Not according to Warrick." 

"Let's drop it and get to work." I pushed myself onto my feet but my cell phone ringing stopped me. I groped for my phone. "Catherine?" 

"Yeah it's me. I'm at the hospital and Sara came around when the doctor saw her. She was fully responsive again when they took her up to get some head scans done. The doctor is pretty sure she has a facial fracture but doesn't know until the X-rays come back. Good news is that there isn't any permanent eye damage. If only she can stay awake, she should be okay." 

It felt good to get air supply to my lungs and brain. "Call me with any word." 

"It would be easier if you were here." There was a pause. "She was calling your name when the doctor was trying to wake her. Maybe you should be here." 

She was calling me? Why? It's too confusing. I fumble for an easy exit. "I can't the warrant came through." I know it's a poor excuse but I need something. I can't get too close. I slipped in there when I saw her with Hank and I can't let it happen again. I'm over it now and can't let it happen again. 

"Suit yourself. I'll call with any news. Bye." 

She disconnected the call. 

"What was that about?" Jim asked. 

I closed my phone. "Sara is not totally out of harms way but she regained consciousness again." 

"Well that's a relief. You know that EMT should be fired for not doing his job properly." 

"He did he job just fine Jim." I couldn't believe I was defending him. It wasn't his fault anyway. It wasn't his fault he cared about her. I know the feeling. Stop it, I scold myself. This is not right. Get passed this. Sara is pulling through. Just forget it. Concentrate on the evidence and work. "Let's use that warrant you have in your pocket." 

"You know Warrick and I can handle this if you want to go to the hospital." 

"Why? There is nothing I can do for her." My words made me realize that I sounded like a complete ass. Jim looks at me almost with distaste. The words ring in my ears. I am an ass. "I mean, Catherine is there and can keep us posted." 

"Whatever you say Grissom." 

He leads the way out of my office. I can feel myself coming back on track as we head out, but one thought hits me hard. She was calling _my_ name? 

tbc... 


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Since I wrote this chapter a little ahead of schedule, you get it early! Well that and you all seem to need another dose of it. Thanks for those that reviewed. Anyway, it's back to Sara and those wonderful thoughts of hers. Well enough suspense, if there is any, and on with the story! You can hate me later. *evil grin* 

Chapter 4 

"Hey." 

I turn. "Grissom." 

"Shouldn't you be inside?" 

"No." I shake my head vigorously. For some reason the crime building I have my back to scares the living hell out of me. I feel its coldness pulling at me. It's like a black hole and its gravitation pull won't let me go. But I resist, because I am scared. I don't want to go in. I don't care if I ever go back in that building. It scares me. Right now the only thing keeping me away from the edifice are my feet planted to the warm cement. The peaceful sunset keeps me warm and not so frightened. It has held my gaze, for what seems like hours. The colors changed from blue to purple then the hottest shade of pink I have ever seen. It is simply beautiful. I close my eyes in a euphoria of emotion but they spring open. The darkness scares me too. It's cold in the dark. 

"You know Sara it's okay. I want you to be happy. You deserve to have a life." 

I turn sharply towards him when I hear him speak. His face radiates with the orange glow of the desert sun. "But I am not happy Grissom." 

He raises his eyebrow and tilts his head trying to understand the logic in my statement. "Sara you _can_ be happy and that's all that matters." 

I face him square on. "Why are you pushing me away?" 

He smiles. "You know why." 

"Don't you love me?" The words surprise me as I let them flow naturally from my mouth in frustration. I can't believe I just said that, but I don't care. He needs to know how I feel. 

"Sara," His voice dies in the gentle breeze that blows across Las Vegas. He looks at his watch. "I have to go now. Promise me that you won't stay outside too long. It's cold." He starts to walk away. 

"Then keep me warm." I call after him. 

To my relief he does not leave. He stands in front of me. We are almost touching, yet we seem so far away and unreal. "I can't." He whispers. 

The words bring pain to my heart. "You never try." I plea with him. "Just try." 

He sighs. "Sara what is one thing you want?" 

"You." I feel the tears stinging my eyes. "I want you Grissom." 

"Why?" 

"Because I love you." 

He doesn't seem shocked by my confession. He looks to the building. "I can't." He repeats sadly. 

"Why? Just give me one good reason." 

"Because." He looks at the ground. When his blue eyes catch mine brown ones he smiles again. "I am late. Go inside Sara, he is waiting for you." 

I grab his arm. He is real. He is warm, like the sunset. I never want to let him go. "Grissom I am waiting for you." 

"Oh Sara." He touches my cheek and the first tear drops like rain from my eye. "That would be nice, but I may never be ready." 

"I'll wait." 

"Sara you can't wait forever or you wouldn't have him waiting for you now. That's why you went to him in the first place; to seek companionship." My chest constricts as he speaks the truth. He takes my hand in his. "I know why you lied Sara and it's all okay. He wants you Sara so go to him. He can't wait forever. I don't want you to wait for me. I want you to be happy." 

"Grissom he's not special to me like you are. We are just close..." 

"Friends. I know but he can be more if you let him. He wants to be more than a friend Sara. Just let him in." 

"_We_ can be more if you let me in." 

Again he smiles. "The sun is going down you better go inside before it gets dark." 

"Come inside with me." 

"Sorry Sara but I have to go." 

"Where? Let me come with you." I hold onto his hand for dear life. I need to feel him, to be with him, to hold him; I need him. 

"No Sara. You can't come with me on this assignment. It's just for me." 

"Please." 

"I'll see you at work tomorrow, okay?" He nods at me. I cannot speak. He is leaving. "Good. Go in, I got to go now." He walks away. 

The growing distance hurts. A gush of wind hits me across the face and he is gone. The sun is near its edge now. "Grissom!" I yell running after him. "Grissom please! I am so sorry! Grissom!" 

I fall to the ground and let all my anguish pour out through my tears. "Grissom, please don't go!" 

The tears are unstoppable and rake through my body like needles. "Grissom." 

There is nothing but black as I lay on the cold pavement. The sun has left me. Grissom has left me. I can't stop crying. I have never cried so hard. "Grissom." 

"Sara, sweetie?" 

My eyes shoot open. "Grissom!" 

Catherine smiles back at me. "No it's just me." 

"Where's Grissom?" I ask looking around. It was a dream. No he was so real. He was with me. I could feel his warmth. He was here. I blink hard. It's too bright in here. "Where am I?" 

She guides me back to the pillow. "How much do you remember?" 

I search my mind. "Nick and Greg hitting me with the door. Um. The interrogation room, Grissom." I pause. "And Hank, then nothing." 

"Close enough." She sat down on the bed. I don't like her so close to me for some reason. I just want Grissom. He found out the wrong way. I have to explain. 

"That was some bad dream." 

"Huh?" 

"You were crying in your sleep. That's why I woke you." She looked at the door then back to me. "What was it about?" 

I feel embarrassed that I was crying in front of her. I don't cry in front of anyone. It's a weakness. "I don't remember." I whisper wiping my face. 

She smiles. "Mothers have a keen sense for lies and you are a terrible liar." She gets up off the bed. "Was it about a case?" She pulls up her chair and sits down. I stare at her in confusion. How could she know that I dream about cases? She stares at me. "Grissom told me. He was worried about you and needed to vent. I happened to be around, nothing more." 

I am somewhat relieved that he didn't actually go in search of her to talk about me. He wouldn't do that. But I am angered that a private piece of information had escaped. "It wasn't about a case." 

"So it was about him." She shrugs. "That was the second time you were saying his name. The first time when the doctor saw you, then again while you were sleeping." 

I didn't know what to say so I didn't say anything. I feel so exposed. I don't like putting myself out there for just anyone. But in a way I am glad it was her instead of Grissom. If he knew I had a dream about him, he'd shit. He would surely run the other way. He wouldn't want to get close; he would see it as getting too close. 

"Okay." She says out loud breaking the silence. I know she won't press what she wants to ask. I am grateful she respects my privacy. Catherine is like a younger version of my mother. She is just like her. She is too lax to beat the answers out of you but too stern to walk away from without getting something from you. Then again I always won. Stubborn Sidle gene from dad I guess. Mom still doesn't no a thing about me. 

"I want some coffee. You up for some?" She asks standing. 

I shake my head but stop when I realize it hurts too much. "No thanks." 

"Are you sure? I can sneak you in a cup." 

"That's all right." 

"Okay then." She slowly walks out the door. 

As the dreamworld and painkillers begin to wear off I feel the throbbing in my head. It's quiet in the room. I close my eyes to make the thoughts in my head become quiet like the room. It isn't working. 

Hank. Hank, Hank, Hank. Grissom, Grissom, Grissom. Grissom. I actually have a chance with Hank. He is so simple. Of course he's never really complex with anything. Death and work seem to fade into the background when I am with him. He's a good guy. That dream bothers me though. I know it was my subconscious talking for Grissom but it seemed all too real that Grissom would push me away and want me to be happy. I don't want that to happen. I don't want to lose Grissom because of some fling I have with Hank. It's not a fling. Flings imply sex. We haven't been together in that respect. I get exactly what I need from Hank; someone to be there for me. Someone that can care about me. Hank needs more though. I can see it. I think I am going to throw up. 

"Hey you." 

My eyes fly open. I ignore the dull ache behind my eye sockets. "Hey Hank." 

He comes to rest in the chair Catherine just vacated. He takes a hold of my hand and begins to rub my knuckles. "How do you feel?" 

"Fine." I lie and force a tight smile. 

"You said that before and your boss had to catch you before you hit the floor." 

Grissom. I wish I could remember if he was touching me again. Hank's hand on mine brings me back to reality. "So when can I get out of here?" It's a sad attempt at getting past my dream and Grissom's eerie words. Dreams never come true. Neither will that one. 

"The doctor is still unsure but we'll see. You might be out of here by this afternoon." He smiles. "I just stopped in to see you for a minute to make sure you're okay. Get your rest. Okay?" 

"Yeah." 

He rises from his chair. "I'll see you later." He kisses my cheek softly. First contact. A simple sweet kiss. When he pulls away his lips brush mine. I feel dirty. Like I need a shower. Like I am cheating on Grissom. But that's not true. You have to be with someone to cheat on them. Hank smiles at me and I smile back. I watch him go and feel sick again. The nausea becomes so unbearable that I have to jump out of bed and run for the small bathroom. I make it just in time to ease my bad nerves with waves of vomit. It's disgusting. I hate throwing up. 

"Are you okay Sara?" 

"Just go away Hank." I say as the last wave hits me. Just go away. I'm confused. I hate being confused. 

"Uh...it's me, Grissom." 

tbc... 


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Ah yes my little chickadees...Sara is in trouble now! Enjoy! Oh and feel free to be seriously pissed off in your reviews. If you are hating this then I am doing a good job!lol But rest assured, do you honestly think I could break up the GSR? Did I give away my ending? Well...suspense is everything. 

Chapter 5 

"Grissom!" I spin around to face him. How could I be so stupid?! I know Grissom's voice! Shit! Hank could never be Grissom! I try to regulate my breathing. It's not working. 

"I didn't mean to scare you." He seems uncomfortable as he shifts from one foot to the other. His eyes are a blue gray. I've never seen them that way before. 

I mumble as I look at his eyes. "You didn't scare me, you just..." 

"Startled you." He finished. "Do you want me to leave?" 

"No!" I answer quickly. "Um...so what are you doing here?" 

Again I notice he is uncomfortable. Well, I did think he was Hank. Real smooth on my part. That and he found out I've been keeping Hank a big secret from him. He thinks I am a liar. I can't believe he is even here. 

"I was in the neighborhood." He says finally. 

"You hang around hospitals?" Shut you damn mouth Sara! He is finally here and you're giving him a hard time about it?! Quiet! 

"No. My suspect was hit by a car when he ran from questioning. Brass and I brought him in. He isn't in bad shape but we didn't want him claiming neglect and have the case dismissed on a technicality." 

"Oh." I choke out. I should have known it was about work. He would never come on his own accord. Not just to see me. Not after Hank. Well the possibility was nice while it lasted. 

He gestures to the toilet. "Are you okay? Do you need a doctor?" 

"No. I just got queasy all of the sudden. I'm fine really." 

My body is in an uproar of nerves and pain. Why can't I just tell him that? I go to the small sink and rinse my mouth. I wish I could find some way to drown myself. Damn reflexes just won't allow it! When I pull away from the sink basin I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I can't stop the gasp from expelling from my mouth. I touch my swelled red and purple eye. I jerk my hand away in pain. 

"You look better than you did." 

I focus my attention on Grissom's reflection. "I look horrible." I say examining my eye again. It's badly bloodshot. The capillaries must have broken upon impact with the door. I will kill Nick and Greg for this. Kill them. 

"You look fine." 

I stop my assault on my eye and turn to face him. "Yeah right." 

"At least you are awake." His voice holds something I cannot clearly detect. It seems a mixture of relief and something else that I can't put my finger on. 

I shrug as if it was nothing. "True." 

"Well I better go." 

Right. Go. "You have work?" I ask trying to keep him just a little longer. The dream was just a short time ago. I don't want him to go yet. 

He nods. "The suspect should be ready to question once he was stitched up. That was twenty minutes ago." 

Twenty minutes? He hasn't been with me for twenty minutes. Where was he? I watch him. He doesn't move for the exit. I don't know what to say. Should I bring up Hank or give him some kind of explanation? All I wanted was to explain when I finally saw him, but does he want even one? Does he care anymore? He's staying far away from me like I have Ebola. Does that mean something? I should say something. I finally work up the courage when he speaks. 

"Sara I am not upset." 

I feel the color drain from my face. Oh hell no he did NOT! Upset? Upset?! "Excuse me?" 

"You should have a life." He shrugs. 

He shrugs! Damn him! Is this his way of comforting me? Why can't he just for once be pissed off or ask me an honest question?! I want him to do something. Give me some indication, anything, that he is human and he cares about me! I am so sick and tired of explaining myself to him. I am angry. I feel my breath come in quick rasps. I hate it when he does that to me. I stare at him with pleading eyes, the pain is so clear I can feel it. He shrugs again. He shrugs! My features twist in contempt. 

"I wasn't aware that I needed your approval to begin with." My tone is icy. 

The sentence pierces through his wall and draws blood. I see the hurt flash in his eyes but it leaves as quickly as it came. I hate trying to crumble that wall. It is no use. 

"You're right, you don't need my approval. I guess I was wrong." He almost hisses the words at me. 

"Wrong about what?" I snap back. What is he talking about? Of course being clear is something he tries to stay away from. 

"Nothing. See you at work Sara." He says my name with such bitterness that I catch a chill running down my back. 

"Yeah whatever Grissom." I turn back to the sink and begin to wash my hands. They don't need washed but if I don't focus on something I know I will be drawn to his eyes. After several minutes and raw hands, I brave a look in the mirror. He is gone. How can a visit of two friends end so horribly? My hands are shaking. 

______ 

To my relief I am allowed to go home, provided someone can stay with me to prevent any slips into an unresponsive state. Of course the way I am feeling right now, I would gladly welcome a coma. No that's not true. 

Catherine volunteered to take me to her place but Hank already insisted he would stay with me. At least I could be at home. A facial fracture to the orbital bone, a nasty bloody red eye, a killer migraine, and my fight with Grissom is what I have to tolerate until the painkillers kick in. Oh and Hank. I have to tolerate Hank. After the episode with Grissom I don't think I'll mind too much. I need the company. 

I fumble with my keys to my apartment. The painkillers finally kicked in half an hour ago. They are good; too good. I can't focus worth a crap and I am so tired. Finally I get the door open. 

"Hank I am going to bed. Okay?" The words come out before he even can step through the door. 

He smiles at me and closes the door. "Sure. I'll be in to check on you in a little while." 

I nod and walk away to my bedroom. "You can watch TV or whatever. Food and drinks are in the fridge." 

"Okay!" He yells after me. 

I slump into bed so hard the springs creak beneath me. I finally find the energy to pull my shoes off and crawl under the blankets a few minutes later. I can't help but think of what Grissom said to me despite the exhaustion. It bothers me that he can't just...just I don't know. Does he really not care about who I date? I think I am in a relationship with Hank. I can't keep lying to myself. I let him kiss me in the hospital. His lips touched mine, even for a moment, and I did not resist. He is my boyfriend. But does it really not bother Grissom or is he just hiding away like he always does? He has moved on. Maybe it's time I did too. I thought we had something special but I guess not. No reason to hold out on Hank anymore. 

I didn't want to be so cold to him but I just snapped. I am tired of his 'You deserve a life' and 'You need a diversion'. Well I got one and he didn't seem too happy. I pulled away from Hank for Grissom only to be shunned again. I can't play this tug-of-war much longer. 

When he said 'I'll see you at work' it was like living in my dream. A nightmare more like it. I can't say I wasn't expecting something along the lines of acceptance but I did not expect to be bombarded with it by him first. I wanted to explain. I guess he doesn't want me to explain. 

I feel sleep take over and my eyes close softly. 

"Sara?" 

My eyes jump open then collapse again under the weight of sleep. "Hmm." 

"Good I've been trying to wake you for almost two minutes. You had me worried." 

"Tired." I slur rolling away from him. "How long has it been anyway?" 

"A half hour." 

Time really flies when you need sleep. It seemed like two seconds ago that I fell asleep. "I'm tired." 

He chuckles and it catches my attention enough to look at him. "What?" 

He smiles at me from his crouched position by my bed and brushes the hair off my forehead. "You." 

Before I can stop him he kisses me. Not like before. This is a real kiss. My heart skips a beat in surprise. It is soft at first then it gets harder, more passion driven, as he forces his tongue in my mouth. I kiss him back. I forget about everything else and kiss him back. Grissom wants this, I think bitterly. Hank's hand slips under my shirt to my stomach. As his tongue lashes out, his hand tightens on my skin. Then it starts upward. 

No. This isn't right. It doesn't feel right. Not with Hank. He tastes weird. And I am thinking. A kiss so deep is supposed to be mind numbing but I am still aware of his slobbery tongue in my mouth. I stop it and pull away from his lips. 

"No." I breath heavily. His hand rubs my bare side. I stop him. "Hank stop. This isn't right." 

He hangs his head. "Sara we have known each other for months now. When is it going to be right?" 

"I can't." I choke out. 

He scoffs. "Right. We are just friends, you told me. Sara when you got hurt I felt something. I want to be more than your friend. I care about you. I want to _be_ with you. I thought you felt the same way." 

"I can't." I repeat mindlessly. It's all I can manage. My lips throb, almost painfully. 

"You can't what? Sleep with me? Sara I won't hurt you. I don't sleep with women then dump them. It wouldn't be a one night stand baby." 

I am touched by his sincerity. "It's not that Hank. I am sorry but this doesn't feel right." 

"Will it ever feel right?" 

I remain quiet. I don't want to hurt him. He is so good to me. But if there is one shred of evidence that Grissom feels for me I just couldn't do it. I couldn't know that I only slept with Hank because I was trying to hurt Grissom. It's shallow and mean. It's not me. I don't do that. I really don't want to hurt Hank but I don't want to do something I'll regret. I have to be sure. It's all up to Grissom now if I settle for Hank. Settle? I don't settle for anything. 

"Fine." He sounds bitter as he removes his hot hand from my skin. "I'll let you sleep." He rises from his crouched position. "If you need me, I'll be in the living room." 

I nod and he seems pacified. He leaves me alone in the darkness. This cannot be happening. I smooth my shirt where his hand was and pull the covers up to my chin. What the hell am I doing? 

tbc... 


	6. Chapter 6

*crawls into Grissom's head* "Wow it's snug in here. No wonder Sara can't find room. His brain is HUGE. I can't breathe!" 

*Trots downstairs to heart* "Holy shit! I found a locked door with Geena and Sara's name on it! Geena you play nice! I wonder if Sara knows about you." 

*checks pockets* "Know where did I put that key? Hmm...well after Geena and I used it, I think I gave it to Sara. Yep sure did. She has the key to his heart. Maybe I can make some copies? Nah Sara needs him more than we do. Go Sara!" 

*jumps for joy but silently cries that can't have Grissom. There is always Billy.* "Mine!" 

A/N: Okay that was just for fun and for Geena, now the chapter. Well no, nothing to tell you. Please review, it really does help. And thanks to _all_ those that reviewed for the previous chapters : o ) You're the greatest! Even those wonderful flames Pissed OFF! sent me. I love basking in the warm glow of a fire... But when you flame someone you offer suggestions. I didn't find any in yours...so...back up off this!*grrr* 

Chapter 6 

That hurt. What she said hurt me. It reached into my chest and crushed my heart. 

I subdued any feelings so she wouldn't be upset that I found out. I thought she was worried that I was angry with her. I thought she was feeling guilty for seeking out someone to care about her. She should never feel that way. I thought the only reason Sara was dreaming about me was because she wanted to explain. I didn't want her to be affected by me. She is with Hank and she is happy. I am happy for her. I can push pass the fact that she is with another man because she is awake and she is happy. I was prepared to deal with the situation in the correct manner. I suggest the painful truth that I am not upset with her and she deserves a life, and she slaps me in the face like it was the easiest thing to say. It wasn't! 

I can't stand here anymore; watching her wash her hands. I need to get away. I storm out of her room and towards the Tahoe. I need a good drive. It always helps. 

"Grissom?" 

I stop just as I am about to reach the elevator. I turn to see Catherine sitting in the waiting room nursing a cup of hot coffee. She looks at me in surprise. She didn't expect me to be here. I didn't expect myself to be here. 

I oblige her and walk over. "Catherine." 

She gestures towards the chair in front of her. "I thought you were on the case." 

"I am. Our suspect was hit by a car when he ran from questioning. Ironically he wasn't a strong lead." I try to stay calm even though I just want to get away from her. Away from Sara. Away from the hospital. 

"Well I guess he is a strong lead now." She sips her coffee. "Have you seen her yet?" 

"Just briefly." My voice is tight. 

"When did you get here?" 

"Almost twenty five minutes ago." 

"That's not brief." 

"She had company when I got here so I waited until he left." I remember peeking through the crack in the door to find Hank holding her hand and talking to her. Before I witnessed something I would rather not, I got away and went to other waiting room. It was twenty minutes I needed to rehearse my lines for Sara. She destroyed them with one sentence. 

"Does it bother you?" She asks breaking the silence. 

"What?" 

"Sara with Hank." 

I try to stay civil. "It's none of my concern who Sara is with." The word 'with' conjures up images of the two of them. Together. I push them away. 

"True but that doesn't mean it doesn't bother you to see her with him." She clears her throat to make sure I am listening before continuing. "Gil you're human. And if that scene in the interrogation room was any indication, you were jealous." She sounds smug. I hate it when she sounds smug. 

"I was not jealous. I was upset that Sara was suffering due to someone's stupidity." My tone becomes harsher than I intend. 

She throws her hands up in defense. "There is no reason to get all rattled Grissom. It's not like Sara was aware of your jealousy." 

"I wasn't jealous." I repeat coldly. "But I was out of line. I plan to apologize to Mr. Peddigrew for my unprofessional attitude. It won't happen again Cath, I can assure you." 

"It doesn't happen often enough." She mumbles behind her cup. 

"What is that supposed to mean?" 

"Nothing." She uses her coffee as a distraction. "So if you're not jealous what are you?" 

"Catherine let's drop it." 

"Is there someone else?" She fiddles with her coffee paper cup then looks at me to gauge my reaction. "I heard you were on a date not too long ago and..." 

My eyes snap to her. What the...? "What does that have to do with you? Or Sara for that matter?" 

"You didn't answer my question." 

"I don't intend to." I say bitterly and change the subject. "What did the doctor say?" 

As I expect her to do, she drops the subject. Good. I don't want to even talk about my own reach for a sex life. 

"She sustained a fracture to the orbital bone but all the head scans were clear. The concussion still has the doctor concerned but so far so good." 

"She was hit hard by that door." 

"How are Nick and Greg holding up?" She asks. "They were really worried when I left." 

I really don't know how they feel but I can fill in the blanks. "They feel guilty." 

"All things happen for a reason. It was just an accident after all." 

"They shouldn't have been running." I point out. 

"Sara doesn't seem upset with them." 

"I am enough for both of us." I stare at my hands lost in thought. 

"Grissom!" 

I know she is yelling but it's muffled. Her normal voice is too low to hear. I know then that it has come. Another lapse into silence. I try to act like nothing has changed. "Yeah." I say slowly watching her lips carefully yet not too closely that she will pick up on it. 

"What's wrong?" I watch her say. 

"Lost in thought." 

She nods but seems suspicious. "What...say...Sara?" 

I have to end this quickly. She is talking too damn fast and hiding behind her coffee cup isn't helping any. "That's not your business either." I try to be elusive. Then sound hits me in a tidal wave. I release a breath I didn't know I was holding. 

"...reason. I just was curious what you said to her about the dreams." I hear her say. 

I frown. "Actually I didn't bring it up. I have to go Catherine. Brass and Warrick might need me." 

"Sara needs you." She mutters. 

"Catherine quit mumbling it's not polite." I snap. 

"You heard me didn't you?" She answers coldly. 

"Yes but that's not the point. Sara does not need me. I need to get to work." 

She shakes her head. "Whatever you say Grissom." 

______ 

Her hospital night clothes were white with tiny red and blue flowers. The only reason I noticed the pattern was because it was parted and I saw the skin of her back. Her back was flawless and pale. Not a sickly pale but a healthy pale. The muscles reinforced her slim appearance. She is anything but weak. The bottom part of her shoulder blades peaked out just slightly. My eyes traveled down her spine to stop at the waistband of her pants. There was a red mark along the elastic were it rubbed her during sleep. Her skin looked soft. 

"Stop it." I say aloud. I check my watch as I sit at the red light. We questioned the injured suspect and got nothing. We have him close by if anything turns up. Warrick took Brass to follow a lead and left me to wade through more evidence. They didn't need me. But neither did Sara. 

It's been six hours since my clash with Sara, and two hours since the end of shift. It's been a long shift; a long day. Too long. I've managed to survive the news, get passed my thoughts, work a case, and convince myself I was right to tell Sara that she deserves a life with another man. The only sacrifice was that I pushed Sara as far away as possible. It's been a long day which is why I have been driving the back roads of the desert for two hours. I raise my fingers to my neck. My pulse is still higher than normal. 

The light turns green and I ease out. I am in no hurry to go home to an empty townhouse. To my own dismay I find myself parked in my usual parking place in front of home though. 

It is cool and dark inside; perfect for easing my headache. Without hesitation I drop onto my sofa and begin to read my mail. There is nothing to distract me unfortunately. I pace my apartment before settling in for the day. I can't wait until shift begins. Sara will be there tonight. Catherine called to let me know that the doctor was confident she was okay. It is just a black eye now and no reason to keep her. Bullshit. She was close to a coma and the doctor thinks she's fit to return to work? Asshole. I look at my watch. She was released only twenty minutes ago. Someone should make sure she is okay. There could still be a chance that she will go to sleep and not wake up. He is probably with her though. At least she is taken care of, she doesn't know how to pace herself. 

Look at me thinking of a woman that makes my blood boil in anger and my heart melt when she smiles. I shouldn't be thinking of her at all. She doesn't need my approval and has someone to look after her. 

The phone rings. "Grissom." I answer gruffly. 

"Hello Gil. Did I wake you?" 

The soft voice sends chills down my back and I freeze. "No. Um. How are you?" 

She pauses to consider her words. She is careful with her words. She ponders her words and their impact before she speaks. Her caution and planned dictation fascinates me. It is much like my own. 

"Life has it price...and its rewards." She says finally. 

I grope for my lamp for some reason. "Yes it does." I reply letting the light hit me. 

"So how are you?" She asks. 

"I can't complain." I shrug even though she can't see me. "What do I owe the pleasure to have such an opportunity to talk to you?" 

"Our dinner was nice. I found our talks engaging." 

Her word choice takes my interest and holds it. It was nice and very engaging. "I also found them interesting." I say truthfully with a half smile that I can't stop. 

"Would you like to meet for dinner tomorrow night? I know a magnificent restaurant off the strip." 

I think. Work may need me. Sara is at work tomorrow. I can't handle both of them in one night, even if I'm not in a solid relationship with either one. They just have that effect on me. "Work is pressing with cases and I don't know if I can get away. I am sorry." 

"Some other time?" Her question has hope in it. 

"Of course, I would love to have dinner with you." I wait for her to speak but she doesn't. "Goodnight." I say. 

"Actually it is very much a good day." 

I look at the blinds. Light tries to push through but dies before it reaches my eyes. Her intelligence and observance captivates me. Of course that's why I agreed to dinner the first time she asked. "Good day then." 

"Good day Gil." 

I wait for her to disconnect the call before I drop it to the receiver heavily. I sigh. "What the hell am _I_ doing?" I say to the room. Well Sara has Hank. Nothing is stopping me. "Other than the fact that she isn't Sara." I extinguish the lamp and fall into an uneasy sleep. 

tbc... 


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: This is short for various reasons, the major one I need to switch back to Sara POV for the next chapter. You'll see why later. Thanks as always for the reviews. 

Chapter 7 

I walk into work early as usual. It is quiet and peaceful. Some people find it eerie but I have always found the constant hum of the lab comforting, when I can hear it that is. I haven't decided when I plan to schedule my surgery appointment. I don't even know if I want it done. When I was a child my mother functioned without words and sounds. She was a courageous woman. I could function. Besides things seem to piling up and the chaos with Sara isn't too reassuring that anyone cares if I stick around. 

Humans adapt to life changes all the time and I would be no different. I just don't know if I am ready to be deaf. Ready to be deaf, I don't think anyone is ready for anything like this. Who could accept the loss of a major sensory organ? No one. 

So I have slowly accepted the fact that I might not be able to hear for much longer. I have gotten passed that fact but the one thing I haven't come to terms with is losing my job. Of course I deny field work as much as possible recently, but it pains me to stay behind. Yet everyone has risen to my expectations and gone further to pick up the slack. 

Nick has surprised me the most. His abilities have come the farthest in these passed three years or maybe I just underestimated him to begin with. Although it makes me sound too parental, I am proud that he was become such a good CSI and a good person. Catherine has dutifully stepped into filling my position as the leader. She is a great woman and still manages to surprise me. Although Catherine is next in line for supervisor, Warrick could certainly take my spot someday and possibly do a better job. Despite his reluctance with leading the group, he is the best for the job. I wouldn't take back the moment I kept him on the team. That's when I brought in Sara. The headstrong, intense, passionate woman that is most dear to me. Her abilities were great to begin with, but now they are toned. She knows when to let it go, or she does a good job pretending cases don't bother her anymore. 

I have never once told any of them how I felt. I choose to believe that I don't tell them because that would solidify my future without forensics and without them. It worries me that they can be so efficient without me. That means I am not really needed. They have all changed to become better CSIs and more importantly they have become my family. I'm not close to anyone but they all hold dear to me and that is what I am afraid of losing. 

As far as survival of the nightshift CSIs, I have nothing to worry about. They are a good team and can pull through without me. That is the truth. Stepping down wouldn't be so bad. I could still work in the office and specialize on a case that involves bugs and such. My advice might not always be needed but I'd like to give it. It wouldn't be so bad. No, that's a lie. It would be bad. It would kill me. It kills me every time I stay back and let Catherine run the case. I've become a lab rat and I hate it. 

"How goes it Grissom?" 

I look up. "Hey Greg. Just waiting for shift to start." 

"Yeah me too. I got those lab results that Warrick collected but there wasn't a DNA match. Sorry." 

I shrug it off and put all faith in the evidence. "We can't crunch the evidence Greg. Thanks anyway." 

"So how is Sara? I heard she is coming in tonight." 

His voice seems distraught. I hope he is okay. He too has passed my expectations and even though I don't say it, I fully appreciate his dedication and his abilities. "Yeah. I guess she is doing better if she wants to come to work." 

"How bad is the black eye?" 

"You'll have to see her to judge Greg." I scoot up to my desk and try to signal my discomfort so he'll stop talking about Sara. "If you don't mind I want to get some things out of the way before shifts starts." 

He nods. "Okay. See you later Grissom." He starts toward the lab and disappears from sight. 

I focus on the cases in front of me to put some order back in my life. One good thing that has come out of all of this is that my paperwork is always caught up. I recheck and file more. That's what I do now; paperwork. Soon I lose track of time and find that I have to go hand out assignments. I make my way to the lounge where the team has collected. Sara gets my attention even before I see her. I hear her. 

"You guys are dead!" 

Nick laughs. "We said we were sorry Sara!" 

"I look like I am possessed! Look at my eye!" 

I want to chuckle, but I don't. 

"I disagree." Nick interrupts. "You look more like a vampire. Very scary. It works for you." 

The room erupts in laughter then I hear shuffling. 

"Ow Sara! Stop! I'm sorry!" Nick yells. "Greg get her off me!" 

Finally temptation gets the better of me so I step around the corner to see them. I step in on the commotion just in time to see her twisting Nick's wrist back in a hand-to-hand combat technique. Greg doubles over in laughter but squeals, yes squeals, when Sara releases Nick's wrist and runs after him. He bolts pass me but Sara stops dead in front of me like she hit a wall. All the fun leaves the room when my presence becomes known. All eyes notice Sara's behavioral shift. They know that something isn't right between us. It hasn't been right for a long time. 

I can't help but to take in every detail of her appearance. She wears comfortable clothing, more relaxed than normal. Instead of colored slacks and a fashionable blouse, she wears jeans and a plain cotton shirt. Her eyes are dull and she looks tired. Her black eye is still a mess. By the looks of it she tried to cover the bruise with makeup but gave up when it proved pointless. The red broken blood vessels do make her look evil but the warmth of her chocolate pupils counteract the appearance. At least I think so. 

As I stare at her, I feel her mind taking in my own appearance. Sometimes I think she can see my soul with her eyes. I feel exposed and look away. She takes my action to heart and moves away to flop down on the sofa. Although there is now a distance between us, the tension is still there. 

"Let's get started." I say fumbling with my file. "Warrick, I want you and Catherine to continue to work yesterday's case. Nick, Sara how is your case going?" 

Sara remains quiet and Nick takes the lead. "Well those lab results gave us a hard lead and I finished it up. Brass is arresting the guy now, so I think it's safe to say that it's closed." 

"Okay. Well one of you need to finish the paperwork and I'll take whoever with me." 

They exchanged glances. I silently begged Nick to come with me. I can't handle Sara right now. She is still clearly upset about what I said at the hospital. 

"I'm not doing paperwork." Sara says defiantly. "Besides Nick you owe me a favor." 

He smiles at her. "Okay. I'll take the paperwork Gris." 

She rises from her seated position and stares him down. "While you're at it, you can finish my paperwork too." She grabs a manilla folder of her back filing and heaves it into his chest. "Thanks Nicky." 

He smiles and shakes his head. "I hope you have something in store for Greg. It was his fault too ya know." 

"Don't worry. Greggo has was it coming to him." She smiles before turning to me. Her smile fades instantly. "I'm ready whenever you are." 

______ 

We make it through collecting the evidence without a single word to each other. Her light behavior in the lounge meant she was feeling better and I was glad to see it despite the fact that it wasn't directed towards me. But two hours into shift, she starts to rub her temples. I say nothing. I silently worry that she is pushing herself too hard but she doesn't listen to my advice anymore. I begin to pack up when she follows my lead. Again nothing is said as we make our way back to CSI. 

"I'll be in the layout room." She mutters but before I can acknowledge her she is gone. She really doesn't need me for anything. 

I decide to go to Trace. I focus intently on the bullet Bobby processed for me. Surprisingly the bullet points to a warrant of a middle aged man in the new suburb off the Strip. I contemplate telling Sara. I could use the time alone but I don't need her more distant than she already is. We can work passed this for a case. We have done it before. I casually make my way towards the layout room. 

tbc... 


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: Two chapters today! Two, maybe three, more left so enjoy. Here is Sara's POV like I said. 

Chapter 8 

I am bent over the victim's clothing when Hank walks in. "Hey." I say over my shoulder. He was over quiet this morning when we ate breakfast together. Last night was a mistake and I told him I was sorry for leading him on. He was really calmer than I expected. He went to work and soon after so did I. If I would have known that work, Grissom, and Hank would take so much out of me, I would have stayed home. My head is throbbing but I can't take my pain medication because I will surely fall asleep standing up. 

I turn completely around when he doesn't acknowledge my greeting. He stands shaking his head agreeing to some unknown conversation in his head. "Hey." I say again. 

He looks up. "Sara we need to talk." 

I look at him then at the clothes. I know what is about and I want to give him the appropriate time span. I don't want Grissom in here pushing me with evidence so that I have to rush Hank out. He deserves that much for being so good to me. I owe him my friendship. "Can it wait? I am kinda busy with work." 

"No it can't wait." He sounds angry. 

I raise an eyebrow and try to reconcile our disagreement. "Well, we can grab my break together..." I stop as he comes close to me getting in my personal space. I watch him close the distance to my face. I back up. "Hank what are you doing?" 

He doesn't say a word. He pushes me against the layout table and firmly places his hands on each side effectively trapping me between him and the table. He comes closer. I lean back. He comes closer. I lean back. I am practically bent over the layout table now. What the hell is he doing?! "Hank?" 

"Shh." He presses his lips hard against my own crushing them. I push his shoulders to stop but he lifts me to the layout table to continue. I feel his hands running the length of my thighs. Then they come up to push my face into his. That bastard! That jerk! I'll beat the shit out of him! 

"Hey Sara..." 

I hear the voice but the only thing that registers is that Hank releases my lips. He stopped. I draw my hand back and bring it crashing across his jaw. 

"If you ever do that again, it will be the last kiss you ever have with anyone." Tears threaten my eyes but I am too angry to grant release. I hop down from the table and meet Grissom's icy glare. No. He saw us. When did he get here? Oh no, he was the voice. Why couldn't it have been Nick or well anybody but Grissom? 

He stares at Hank then at me. I think I gave him a heart attack. It never works. Every time I try it gets worse. I just can't win. 

"Get out." He hisses finally. 

Is he talking to me? 

"Now." 

Hank approaches Grissom. "This is none of your business." 

"What goes on in this building is my business. You just contaminated my evidence now get out before I throw you out." He spits out. 

Great I don't even rank above evidence and Hank is being a jerk. Just great. 

"Sara let's go. _We_ need to talk." He looks at Grissom. "And that has nothing to do with _you_ Mr. Grissom." 

Grissom holds an arm across the doorway. "I swear if you hurt her, in anyway, you won't know what hit you." 

I have never heard Grissom so cold. It sent shivers down my spine and left goosebumps on my neck. Hurt me? He cares? 

"Like I said, it is none of your business." Hank says holding his ground. 

Grissom meets his glare before looking at me. His eyes do not soften. He is just as upset with me. I want to scream, 'What did I do?!'. 

I blink hard and stare at the two men. I hate them. I shove passed both men in frustration. Both of them are asses. I can't stand either one right now. I rush down the hall avoiding the stares. 

"Sara?!" Hank yells after me. I ignore him before I lose it. 

Warrick stops and grabs my arm. His eyes pierce my own when I look up. "Sara what's wrong?" 

"Everything." I say and pull away from his grasp. I push through the glass doors that lead outside. Anger just radiates from my entire being. Hank forces himself on me and Grissom thinks I am this office whore. My head hurts. I am going home before I do something stupid. 

I fumble with my car keys when Hank comes up to me. 

"Thank God. Now we have some privacy." He says grabbing my hand to stop the keys from unlocking the door. His words are all I can take. 

"Privacy?!" I shout twisting from his grasp. "Hank what the hell was that?!" 

His features contort to anger. "Dammit Sara what do you think it was?! I was trying to kiss you." 

"Hank you cornered me! In the lab! At work! I say no and you...you jerk!" 

Two officers walk pass and give us dirty stares. I don't care. I am too angry to care. I feel violated. I feel like I did something wrong but I didn't. 

"What else could I do to make you realize that I care about you?! You won't even let me touch you!" 

I knit my brow in confusion. Is he really that shallow? I have never seen him this way. I lower my voice. "Is this about last night?" 

"Nothing happened last night, and that is the problem!" He yells for the whole world to hear. 

"Look I told you going into this that I just wanted to be friends. I am sorry if you feel something for me but it's now officially over. You can't corner someone Hank. When a woman tells you 'no' you stop." 

He throws his arms in the air. "Our kiss Sara! It told me otherwise. I know you wanted it! Even in there you wanted it so bad." 

I should slap him for the way he is treating me but movement by the door takes my anger and turns it into embarrassment. A collection of my friends and colleagues listen to Hank as he reveals us to the world. Embarrassment, violation, exposure, vulnerability, and then anger flood through my veins. I turn back to Hank. "Who the hell are you to tell me what I want?!" 

"It seemed very passionate at the time and you certainly wanted it." 

Oh hell no! "You jerk! I was upset and I told you no. You...asshole!" 

"Well it's not like we are going anywhere in our relationship. I have the right to be an asshole!" 

"I thought you understood me." I whisper. I can't believe this is happening. 

"Sara you have to know someone to understand them. You don't know shit about me and I hardly know you!" 

"So you think that sleeping with me would remedy that?!" I can't believe I just yelled that for the crowd to hear. This is a damn nightmare. I am never ever going out again. Forget it. Forensic textbooks and take-out food never bothered me before. 

"It's about trust Sara. You don't even trust me enough to water your damn plants let alone sleep with you!" 

I grab my throbbing temples. "Hank I told you I don't want to be more than friends." I repeat. "I can't believe you would do something like that." 

"What bothers you most Sara? The fact that I kissed you or the fact that your boss saw us?" 

My head shoots up. "Don't you dare bring Grissom into this. This is about us!" 

"Us?!" He shouts. "Us includes him! Jesus Sara I can't talk to you without hearing about Grissom!" 

I gasp. "You liar! I never talk to you about Grissom. Not once have I mentioned him." 

"I am not an idiot. You mention work, and I know you mean your boss. His behavior in there told me all I needed to know." 

"You ask me about work! I never volunteer to talk about work! And I am glad he threw you out. He was exactly what I needed in there because you were being a jerk!" 

"Shut up Sara! Just shut up!" 

I suddenly feel the urge to flee. I don't have to stand his crap any longer. I turn away from him and begin to open the door. He jumps forward and sends it smashing back to place. 

"Sara...look I am sorry. I didn't mean that." His eyes soften as does his voice. 

"Get the hell away from me." I hiss. No one treats me like shit. No one. 

He backs away from the door shooting daggers with his eyes. "Fine. I am leaving. Don't expect a call Sara." 

"I don't want one." 

"Yeah maybe I can call that girl that actually enjoys having me around." 

"Excuse me? What girl?" 

"It's none of your damn business. It's not like we are together anymore. Or ever were." 

He gets in his car and speeds off. Good. I look back to the door and everyone avoids my eyes then walks back inside. I need to get away. I feel so used. Like a complete fool and liar. Everyone knows it. It hurts. He was just a friend but it hurts to feel this way. It hurts to be treated like you are nothing by two people at the same time. First Grissom and then Hank. I quit. I quit trying to be normal and have a life. I push away the tears and drive off to my hermetically sealed apartment. 

tbc... 


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: I give you the 9th and 10th chapter! These chapters are kinda slow but originally weren't even suppose to exist, which is also why it took so long. The 11th, 12th, and 13th chapters are outlined and ready to be written so not too much longer, I promise. Hank is gone! Yippie! Hated to make him the bad guy but...I had to get rid of him some way. This is Sara POV. Enjoy and thanks bunches for the reviews. 

Chapter 9 

Sweet like candy. That is what he tasted like. It sickens me. 

Cold like ice. That is what his eyes were like. It chills me. 

It took one call that led to one lunch/dinner, that became movie dates, that became a friendship, that spawned a kiss because I needed to feel wanted. Add a test of honesty, a Grissom shove, and then a lie is born. 

It's funny how a friendship can die in one second, but takes so long to build. Trust is the first structure to build for any friendship. I lied to Grissom and now look, he thinks I lie about everything. It wasn't even a full lie until he pushed me away. Hank and I were only friends but Grissom made me consider something more. Then I trusted myself to make a honest decision, and I lied to myself. I never wanted Hank. I lied to make myself believe I could be happy with him. What would Freud say? Isn't lying to yourself a crime against your entire being? 

And then there is Hank. I trusted him to understand me. I went out on a limb to forge a bond with another human being. I didn't play it safe or analyze, I just accepted his gesture of a kind relationship. His words hurt me more than I thought possible. We weren't actually together especially after last night but I can't deny how horrible he made me feel. It hurts to be rejected and walked all over even by a stranger. I always play it safe, and never take a chance or let anyone get too close, and this is why. Feeling like this is hell, and Hank didn't even mean that much to me. What if it were someone I actually loved? I don't know if I could take it. 

I believe someday I could open up. When I find the right person, I think it should be easy to share how I feel, but telling just anyone is not me. Hank said that was the problem, that he didn't know a thing about me. He never took the time to ask either. Asshole. 

I grip the steering wheel with force as the thoughts come. I am still too close to them. Despite the many miles between us, it isn't far enough away. Every light I approach turns red. I can't get away fast enough. Everything seems to prevent my escape. What escape? The entire office heard us. Tomorrow will be a living nightmare of stares and blatant whispers. I, Sara Sidle, who tried so hard to keep my personal life private, have become the source of gossip for at least a few weeks. It might be months before they can look at me without wondering. I hate that. What is worse is that not one single person knows the whole story. No one knows about the forced kiss, except maybe Grissom who would never mention such a perverted act. So they can and will fill in as many blanks unoccupied by words and facts. No one will ask, and I will not provoke conversation. It is no one's business. 

I sit tapping until the light turns green only to be stopped two blocks away because of heavy traffic coming off the main strip. Suddenly I feel the need to let the tears flow. It is not a sob from complete emotional agony, it is just a few tears that stubbornly fall without my approval. Why is this effecting me like this? I never loved Hank. 

_"What bothers you most Sara? The fact that I kissed you or the fact that your boss saw us?"_

The light turns green and I brush away the tears and the thought. I don't want to think that I am crying over Grissom. Maybe I am but I won't admit it. I will never admit it. Starry halos float around the tail lights and street lights. The car in front of me seems to be crawling inch by inch. Go, I plead, but he doesn't move any faster. I hurriedly put my turn signal on to pass. 

Another slow car. 

Turn signal. 

Lane switch. 

Another slow car. 

Turn signal. 

Lane switch. 

Damn. Red light. I hate stopping. Stopping leaves time for reflection. I don't need to think about what just happened or about my life. Reflection is good for cable shows, not for real life. Slow tears stream my face again. This time I don't brush them away when the light changes. I simply let them hit my lap. 

Finally I am only a block from my salvation. Lane change. I forgot my turn signal. It's not courtesy, it is good driving and I forgot. Truth isn't a courtesy it is good character. I forgot that too. Grissom, Hank, myself deserved the courtesy of truth. I messed up. I always mess up when it comes to "relationships". I am not good at them. I used to believe that there are degrees of love that assign importance to the people we care about. They all act independent of each other. The proceeding one never ensures the next. 

The first level is falling in love. It is admiration. Something intrigues you about that person. You are pulled to that person in awe. Most of the time it fades. You learn and it leaves you. Those that make a special way into your life lead you to the next stage. 

Experiencing love is shared when you become friends. You enjoy each others company without a doubt. It is the most playful stage of love. It is fun. Most relationships we form are this. These people mean something. You care if they are having a bad day or if they get sick. They are a very small group. 

Then you have that one that is extra meaningful. He or she sits above the rest. That is when it hits you like a ton of bricks: you are _in_ love. It encompasses you. Being in love is for people that want each other. Out of this usually leads to making love. It is the product of wanting. Sex is just the urge. Making love is the special need. 

Finally soul mate love. It is the most powerful and independent of all other loves. It is the need. The ache when you are apart. The earth shattering realization that there is nothing you wouldn't do for that person. You are symmetric. Complete in every aspect. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. You are then truly soul mates. 

I never pressed love. I believe it should evolve naturally. The only problem is the fact that evolution takes years or even lifetimes. 

I sigh as I crawl out of the car and walk up the stairs to my apartment. It seemed to take me so long to get here, when actually I am two minutes early. I close the door and securely lock it behind me. I remove my clothing as I walk to my bedroom. It is like peeling my thoughts away as well. The tears have stopped but they will start again I am almost sure. My time to cry comes at odd moments. It's like all the stress I hold in comes out on something so stupid or little compared to the bigger things that are actually bothering me. I make my way to the bathroom. I look like hell. In slow motion I turn on the shower. I remove two painkillers, easily swallow them, and step in the shower. I shiver and take deep breaths when the cool water hits me. 

I'm not the same person as I was three years ago. People change. Grissom has changed. No, I won't think about Grissom again. Not now. The last thing I need is to remember those cold blue eyes. His eyes were like stones when he looked at me. I don't blame him for being upset. The evidence was compromised. My epithelial cells are all over the vic's clothing. Maybe a hair or two. I am sure some of Hank is on there too. Anything we find credible wouldn't hold up in court because my character would _again_ be put in the spotlight. 

No. Forget the evidence. I didn't ask for Hank to force himself on me. I didn't even know he was capable of such arrogant bravery. I said no! He violated me. He pursued me. He humiliated me. Hank is no longer ranked higher than prokaryotic bacteria. He is the lowest form of life. I hate him and right now I am not too fond of Grissom either. 

The evidence was all he could think about! I stood there in front of him with a feeling of regret that _I_ put him in a situation like that. _Me_. I felt like I was in the wrong because Grissom saw us. I didn't care that Hank just assaulted me, I cared that Grissom saw us. I didn't want him to think I was with Hank. Why? Because I would rather have Grissom. I can say it with such ease that it is ironically funny. But damn Grissom. For once I needed him to comfort me not make me feel worse! And I was crying over him?! 

_"I swear if you hurt her, in anyway, you won't know what hit you."_

__Those words offered so much comfort, until he looked at me. That hardened stare. I was confused but his actions spoke louder than words. It was too much. I knew those words were some macho possession game with me as the pawn. I am Grissom's CSI. I am Hank's girlfriend. No I am neither. I don't belong to any one. I proved that to Grissom when I threatened to leave, and I proved that to Hank today. I put up with the scum of the earth that treat women like items when working a case, which is ninety five percent of my waking hours, so I do not need it when I'm on my leisure time. 

And that is another thing. People tell me to get a life, I work too much, and I should socialize more when Gil Grissom the friggin' man of mystery applies the same outlook to life, work, and people as I do, if not more! 

I wince in pain. The water is hot now; almost burning my skin. All the veins in my hands, arms, and feet have come to the surface as they attempt to cool my body. I'm letting this get to me way too much. I should be used to Grissom's dismissive behavior and Hank's desire for something more. I should be okay. I know I will be. The steam clouds my eyes as I reach to turn the hot water down. I stand under the water letting it wash away the tension. I close my eyes. The sore one pains me and I pray for the pain medicine to kick in soon. The dull ache will never let me sleep. 

I realize as if it just dawns on me, that once again my rational mind has stopped the tears from coming. I think and think until crying has no appeal because my mind soothes me. I value it as a gift. It has saved me before and will do so again. 

tbc... 


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10 

He was on top of her pressing his body and his lips to her. She squirmed beneath him. He was touching her. Kissing her. The office faded away. Nothing else mattered than the sight before me. My first thought was that it was intentional to hurt me. I only knew rage at that moment, but when she slapped him I knew something wasn't right. Then I saw pain and shock. She did not want me to find them like that. That bothers me. Why does she even care if I see them kiss? It hurts me to see it. Does she know that? Would she...? No I won't think about that. I don't what to go into possibilities. They ruin my control. 

_"I swear if you hurt her, in anyway, you won't know what hit you."_

__My words echo in my head. The office rumors are going to be numerous for that remark. After the other implications of jealousy and anger when Sara was hurt by the door, I imagine that I will be the talk of the office tomorrow. I can't believe I said them. I lost control and I think I stepped over a line. After all Sara and Hank's relationship is none of my business. Even though I had every right to throw him out, I had no right to say what I did. I jumped to conclusions. Maybe that is why she left. I let her leave. I began to approach my office when I heard them. I heard everything that jackass said to her. The whole office did. My feet moved me towards the doorway with the crowd. Sara sounded near tears in anger. My ears picked up every shout and scream, further enhancing the band across my chest. 

They kissed. Apparently a very intense passionate kiss just the night before. He wanted sex, I was relieved to find out that she refused. But for that he hurt her. What if they did sleep together? Would I feel any different? That is beside the point, he had no right to do that to her; not in front of those she worked with everyday. Hell he had no right to say those things at all. Even though I could not see her face, I knew she was crushed when he said those mean things to her. Anyone would be. A part of Sara was stolen. I shudder at the thought that he did that to her. She put her trust in him and he hurt her. No one deserves that. No one hurts Sara. 

Well I don't plan to let him hurt her anymore. She shouldn't be alone. I dropped the case to go after her. Something inside me told me to go and my feet obeyed. I was worried about her so I went without one drop of regret. I got it in my head that she actually needed me. 

So I sit outside her apartment building with all these thoughts running through my head. My hands are sweaty and I can't get out of my car. My heart beats loudly. All that courage I had when I left the office seems to have drained away when the car reached its destination. That happens a lot. The overactive brain scares the heart into submission. I stare up at her window. What am I doing here? I should just leave her alone. I shouldn't be here. Surely she'll be at work tomorrow and I can talk to her then. 

I look at my phone. I could call her. A simple phone call should have been my first choice to begin with but for once I acted on impulse, which I regret. I would rather talk to her over the phone anyway. I can control my voice but still be there for her. I can still be her friend without crossing any lines. If I go in there it is already out of character. Gil Grissom does not get involved in personal stuff. I'm not good at this damsel in distress shit. I can't be the gallant man that says all the right things at exactly the right moments. My timing is off and my words are wrong every time. 

_"From Grissom."_

__Real original on my part. Maybe I would have said something more meaningful if Catherine wasn't hovering like always. I guess her hovering saved me from peril though. Sara got the message and stayed. Then the hockey rink.__

_"Since when are you interested in beauty?"_

_"Since I met you."_

__A total slip on my part, but it was so natural when they fell out that I don't regret it for a moment. It was a simple fact which is why it never bothered me. I never had an eye for beauty until I met Sara Sidle. After I shocked her to silence, I did the only thing I could and ran. Honestly no matter how good it felt to say that, I was crossing a barrier and I got scared. That seems too long ago. When things were right and not wrong. Now things are wrong and I just know I'll say something that hurts her and I should have stayed away. I don't mean to hurt her, she is the last person I want to hurt, but it is my curse. I say things or do stupid things that have a tidal wave repercussions that I don't even understand. 

Call her. A call is safer than seeing her. I quickly dial her number. I'll just ask if she is okay and let her know that I am here for her. Maybe give her a few days off work. It rings. And rings. But only the answering machine greets me but I don't leave a message. I want to talk to Sara not a machine. I close my phone. 

I wait. 

Try again. 

Answering machine. 

I wait. 

Try again. 

Answering machine. 

I wait. 

Try again. 

Answering machine. 

I wait one last time and try one more time. 

Answering machine. I close my phone and drop it to the seat beside me. The keys dangle in the ignition. It is better this way. I am sure Nick or Catherine will soothe her. They are good with people and Sara needs someone to bring her out of her shell to talk about this. I am not the person to do that. 

The keys sit waiting. 

I can't go in there. 

It's not me. 

I am the last thing she needs. 

I'll only confuse her. 

I look at the keys. 

Sadly I reach to turn the ignition. 

It's better this way. 

I'll see her tomorrow. 

I'll call her when I get home. Maybe we can talk. Maybe. 

I can't do this. 

I can't leave or I would have gone already. 

I pull the keys from the ignition and step out of the car. I run my clammy hands over my jacket before boldly walking towards the building. 

Rules: No touching. Two feet at least between us at all times. No drinks or food. No smiling. No emotion except friendly concern. No sitting on sofa. In and out in ten minutes. That should be enough to say what I need to say and leave. Ten minutes and not a second over no matter what state she is in. I can do this. It is planned and in control. Ten minutes. No touching...I repeat my rules as I walk up the staircase to her apartment. I look at the door with dread but straighten my shoulders. 

Under no circumstances can I let her break these rules. 

That never stopped her before. 

tbc... 


	11. Chapter 11

A/N: I am so happy that you guys are liking this, of course I think it's all about the fact that Hank is gone and it is time for the GSR. Oh yes I like this a lot better too. I think a good humor fic is coming on. Yeah I need a break from the angst. Spring break is only eight days away! I get to write and sleep in. Now that's the life. I'll get the next chapter up by this wkend! And it will be done by next week. Again please R/R. 

Chapter 11 

I can do this. I knock lightly on her door but there isn't an answer. It seems like hours pass as I stand there. My hands twitch nervously at my side. I knock harder but nothing. The only thing separating me and Sara is her door. I came this far, right? I should go. This has to be a sign. Since when do I believe in signs? Since it is Sara. I ball my fist and knock a little louder. One more... 

"Excuse me but what do you think your doing?" 

I turn to see an elderly lady standing just in the doorway of the apartment to the right of Sara's. "Nothing ma'am." 

"All that pounding implies something." 

"I was knocking not pounding." I point out. I don't need anymore opposition than I put on myself right now. Please go away, I beg. 

"Sounded like pounding to me. Who are you anyway?" 

"Gil Grissom. Sara's boss." I flash her my badge, and the light bulb comes on. "She told me to come by and pick up some papers for work. Do you have a key?" 

"Sir I don't care who you are but if Sara isn't answering her door it is for a good reason. Your papers can wait." 

Damn. Time for a different tactic. "Okay the truth is I need to check on her. I am worried that she might by sick." 

Her brow knitted in confusion then anger. "Are you the bastard that hit her?" 

Her tone surprises me. Such an old lady shouldn't be so hostile. "Excuse me?" 

"Look I know your kind. Just because you have a badge you think it excludes you from being an ass. No, I know your type. No good slobs that use good women like Sara to make yourself feel powerful." She approaches me. "I ought to call the police for what you did to her. Poor child hasn't talked to me for days because of your handiwork. Let me tell you something..." 

"Ma'am I didn't abuse Sara. She was injured at work. I am just her boss, not her boyfriend." 

"That's even worse. Physically abusing her is as bad as emotional abuse and neglect. Playing with her heart is shameful Mr. Gil Grissom. Now get out before I introduce you to my cane." 

Neglect? Playing with her heart? What the hell? I open my mouth to refuse but something tells me that this woman isn't kidding. "Okay I am going." 

She shakes her cane at me as I descend down the stairwell. I stop and wait for ten minutes before slowly climbing back up the stairs to Sara's door. I remove my lock pick and tiptoe passed the neighbor's door. After finally getting both of Sara's locks open I peek inside. It's dark. The door creaks and I look over my shoulder to make sure the noise didn't arouse the shrew. 

I breathe a sigh of relief and close the door quietly behind me. I can't see a thing. It's just too dark. I hate to intrude but...wait what was I thinking?! I just broke into Sara's apartment! What if she is not fully clothed? Sara values her privacy and I just violated her. Dammit. I cannot believe I just did that! I am such an idiot! Sara would never forgive me for this. I should get out of here. Now! She'll never even know... 

"Oh Shit!" I thud to the floor when my forehead makes contact with Sara's paranoia and something very hard. 

"Grissom?" Sara leans over me. "Grissom! God are you okay?!" 

I find it hard to focus. Everything becomes fuzzy. I hear myself groan in pain. What the hell did she hit me with?! She rushes away from me to turn on the light. The bright light only brings more pain to my pounding head. This will be a migraine for sure. 

"Grissom can you hear me?" 

I close my eyes briefly gathering strength to speak. "Loud and clear Sara." 

"You're bleeding." 

"What did you hit me with?" I dab away the blood with my fingers. 

"Frying pan. I knew my cookery would be useful for something." I know she is only trying to lighten the mood, but I also know it is a sad attempt. She didn't even smile. Well at least she hasn't killed me for breaking in. Yet. 

"Can you sit up?" She asks looking me over. 

I struggle to prop myself on my elbows then she grabs me under my arms to help me up. I am thankful for the suggestion and the contact. She leads me to the couch and sits me down. 

"How do you feel?" 

I lean forward and put my face in my hands. "Like I got hit with a frying pan." 

"You have a deep gash. Let me get my first aid kit." 

I watch her bare feet pad away then close my eyes. I touch the cut on my forehead and wince in pain. The knot has already formed right above my left eyebrow. It's no wonder I am bleeding. It is probably going to leave a nasty bruise too. She really knocked me good. She returns and sits in front of me on the wooden coffee table. My eyes spring open when our knees touch just barely. I look down and her navy satin pajama laden legs are too close to mine. 

She fishes through her kit. "What are you doing here anyway?" 

Her voice has a bitterness in it that I can detect. "You didn't answer your phone." 

She looks up almost confused that I would be calling her to begin with. "I was taking a shower." 

I just notice her hair is still soaking wet. I must have surprised her just getting out of the shower and she didn't have time to dry it. That explains the glistening on her neck and collarbone. "Sorry." I choke out. 

She dabbed a cotton ball with some rubbing alcohol and brought it to my head. "Me too." 

Again her voice holds something more than just what the words imply. I haven't the courage to say anything bold just yet. I jerk away from her hand. "That burns Sara." 

She frowned at me and continues to cause me pain with that damn cotton ball. "It's deep of course it's going to burn. Baby." 

My eyes lock with hers. Did she just call me baby? 

She quickly turns back to the cut. "I would have thought you would have a higher threshold for pain." She says with a strained voice. 

Jeeze Gil. You wish she was calling you baby that bad huh? She was talking about your reaction to the cut you moron. I shake away the annoying thoughts. "I would have thought you would have a more caring hand." 

She tries to smile but it is weak. Her eyes are pink rimmed. I know she has been crying. Evidently she felt something for _that guy_ or she wouldn't be crying over him. What should I say? Her eye looks painfully red. Should I start with that? I close my eyes to collect my thoughts but instead the pain gets worse. My eyes fly open when a soft rush of air hits the cut. I watch her in amazement as she focuses intently on the task at hand. She continues to softly blow on the cut to alleviate the burning. This isn't safe. This goes against every rule I made. 

"I'm fine Sara you can stop." I say. 

She backs away angrily. "I could have shot you Grissom. What were you thinking breaking into my apartment?" She applies the butterfly bandages roughly as she speaks. 

"You didn't pick up your phone." I repeat through the pain. I get the feeling I said the wrong thing. "That was a really long shower." 

She looks over her shoulder to her answering machine. "First of all you didn't leave any messages and I would have called you back. Secondly, I didn't realize that you pay my water bill." She is upset. I said the wrong thing and I came in uninvited. 

"I needed to know if you are pressing charges." I say aloud. That was the wrong thing to say, I can tell by looking at her. She seems hurt by my words. 

"Why would I press charges?" 

"He was on top of you on the layout table. That is sexual assault. Not to mention he contaminated the evidence. That..." 

She rises quickly. "Grissom not everything is work related or can be resolved by filing a report. I am sorry I messed up _your_ evidence, but no I won't be pressing charges against Hank. I think you should go." 

Her tone is icy. I don't blame her for being upset. But I was only trying to check on her. I wasn't thinking. "Sara..." I start but she interrupts me. 

"I don't appreciate the fact that you just barge into my home either Grissom. You had no right to come here." She says folding her arms across her chest. 

"I knocked." I say in my own poor defense. She is right I have no right to be here. I should have left a long time ago. 

"I told you I was in the shower. Unless you were injured and bleeding to death on my doorstep, which you weren't, you had no right to show yourself in. You got your answer now leave." She walks away from me and down the hallway. 

Am I supposed to leave? Maybe I should. She doesn't want me here. I ruined my chance by stepping through that door. My words weren't right either. I stand slowly and walk towards the door but something pulls me back. I fumble to redeem myself at least before she throws me out. 

"Sara I am sorry I barged in on you but the truth is I didn't come here for that." I take a deep breath. I am glad she isn't standing in front of me. I can't speak when she is in front of me. "The truth is...it's just...well I was worried about you." 

She emerges from the darkened hallway in confusion but does not come to me. I think I was supposed to leave. She didn't expect me to stay. "Why?" 

I am not good with why's. 

"Grissom it is a simple question." She says angrily. "You never drop by without a good reason. In fact you have _never_ dropped by, so why?" 

"I needed to know if you are okay." I reply evenly. 

"Why do you care if I am okay?" She snaps coldly then drops her head. "Sorry. Look Grissom, I am just fine so you have nothing to worry about." 

"Fine? Sara you were crying." Her head shoots up like I just revealed her darkest secret. I said the wrong thing again. Doesn't she know that I am not good at this? 

"I am fine Grissom. Thank you for all your concern." She replies bitterly. She moves towards the door to show me out. 

"You were talking about reasons, well I know you don't cry without a reason Sara." 

"And you know my reason?!" She shouts spinning around making me jump back slightly. I never heard her shout like that before. Not at me. 

"Um...I-I-I heard what he said to you. I wasn't eavesdropping I just heard your argument and he. Well he didn't have a right to say that to you." 

I resist the urge to shrug. It is a nervous habit. The room is quiet. She looks at me. I look at her but say nothing more. I fear I said too much. Surprisingly she speaks to me but does not shout. 

"That wasn't why I was crying." She tucks a lock of hair behind her ear. "Hey do you need some aspirin?" 

Okay she changed the subject. What does that mean? Sometimes I wish there was a pause button on life so I can turn her words over in my head until I understand. She wasn't crying over him? Then why? But she doesn't want to talk about it. Maybe it is easier this way. "No thank you, I am fine. How does your eye feel?" 

"As good as your head feels." She comes back into the living room but again keeps her distance. "Are you hungry or want something to drink? I owe you at least an ice pak for your head." 

The rules. What were they again? "Okay." I reply before I remember my list. 

tbc... 


	12. Chapter 12

A/N: Whatever...Sara POV. 

Chapter 12 

I get an ice pack for his head with nervous hands. I almost told him why I was crying, or worse I almost convinced myself I wanted him to leave. Both were very close calls. I don't think he could handle: "Well Grissom, I wasn't crying over that jerk I was crying over this other guy I am helplessly in love with. It just so happens the other guy is you." Or if I could handle a day at work knowing nothing came of our meeting because I kicked him out. None of that would go over too well. 

I am not ready for him to leave but I'm not exactly anticipating talking to him. He may be just out of here for utter concern. I'm not ready to take a leap and tell him everything. I don't want to lose him before I have him. If I ever have him. Until then I'll accept normalcy and a friend again. With my kind of luck this is all just a dream or Grissom is suffering from dementia caused by my frying pan and never wanted to stay. 

I walk back to the couch and hand him the blue ice pack. "Here ya go." 

"Thanks." He takes it and applies it to the knot above his eyebrow. "You have a good swing Sara." 

"Thank you." I say with a smile walking to the kitchen to prepare a salad. I pull out my various veggies and lettuce to begin chopping while he rests his head on the couch. 

I cannot stop the sudden urge to watch him. Our knees grazed each other and I blew on his cut. Oh that was the wrong thing to do. I tried to convince myself it was pure and innocent, that I wanted to alleviate his pain, which was part of it, but for the most part I was only proving that I could be gentle. Weird huh? I was only interested in proving myself to him and connect with him on some level once again. That is not to say that my heart didn't skip a few beats. Half impulse and half compulsion lead to a touch or a contact zone. It happened before and it happened again. It seems I am incapable of _not_ falling for Gil Grissom. A real sucker I know. I won't let him off the hook for intruding but this is a start. 

His cut is deep and he should go to the hospital to get examined. He won't go though so I guess I'll have to keep a close eye on him. 

"What are you making?" He asks standing and coming to me. 

I realize I have been staring far too long to be considered safe and look away. "Salad." 

"It is late for food." 

"I haven't eaten all day." 

"Oh." 

I grab a knife and my first victim, a red tomato and hope he doesn't notice that I was idle for a long period of time. He also grabs a knife from the correct drawer and begins to chop the carrots. 

"Are you okay Sara?" He asks hesitantly. 

I shrug. "I suppose." It is true. I feel a lot better now. Not just because Grissom is here, but because I realized that Hank isn't worth crying over. I've had boyfriends before that mean nothing and he became just another previous boyfriend. Another failed attempt is more like it, but let's not go there. 

He continues to chop very slowly as if something is bothering him. His slicing is precise. I watch his hands move away from the blade as it slices through the tender carrot. It must be the medicine I just took because I find his actions hypnotizing and find that I stopped. 

"Sara?" 

"Hmm." I raise an eyebrow but do not break my gaze from the cutting board until he touches my shoulder. I jerk away, scaring him in the process. I laugh softly at his reaction. He stands two feet away from me now with the knife up between us. "Sorry Gris, you...um scared me." 

He seems to relax but I see the doubt in his eyes. "Maybe I should be going Sara." 

Well I didn't see that coming. "You shouldn't be driving Grissom. You might have a concussion." 

"I haven't shown the signs." He says matter-of-factly. 

"The symptoms don't have to be immediate. You know that." 

He nods in agreement. My eyes fall on the forming bruise on his forehead. The butterfly bandages are almost brown around the edges from blood, now dry, that escaped my treatment. 

"I should really go Sara. I'll be fine." 

Right. Go. Like always. Why not? "You can stay here. I mean it would be safer." 

"I don't think that is a good idea. Thank you though." For someone ready to leave he doesn't move towards the door and I make no indication to see him out. I have to say something, he might be waiting for me to go first. 

"I am sorry." If anyone asks why I just blurted that out, I think I'll blame it on the medicine. 

"For what?" 

I need him to know. "Hank. Us. I mean you and me. I...feel like I have lost your trust." 

He looks at the floor. 

"And my behavior in the lab today was inappropriate. I shouldn't have let personal stuff come to work. I am sorry you had to see that." I feel a little better but the silence is not welcomed. I want him to say something, anything. He opens his mouth then shuts it quickly. He really should go. I can tell he is uncomfortable. This isn't a picnic for me either. This dance we do is old yet it is impossible to memorize the steps. 

"Um...well his behavior, not yours, was inappropriate." He says finally. He didn't mention my dishonesty. "Sara. I. He. Well I am glad you aren't with him anymore. If he can say those things to you without blinking he isn't good enough for you. You deserve so much more." 

He did not mention my "secret" but he did make the lump in my throat harder to swallow. I blink hard before my brain can register what he said. I watch him closely, he is avoiding my stare but when he raises his head, I lock on only for a moment before dropping my own eyes to a spot on the floor. Here goes nothing. "Grissom why do you tell me that?" 

"Why do I tell you what?" 

"That I deserve better. How do you know what I need or deserve? Why do you keep saying that?" I finally stared into his blue eyes. That is what pushed me away to begin with. 

"You do." He says meeting my eyes with warmth. 

"So do you." I say softly. 

He stops breathing long enough in duration to notice. He touches the hem of his black jacket. "Look I can't say it didn't bother me but I know why you lied." 

So I guess this is my chance, right? "It wasn't lying at the time, but...but it did turn into a um something and I didn't want you or anyone else to know about him." 

"Why?" His curiosity sounds genuine. Like he really wants to know why I kept Hank a secret. However his face is conveying disgust. 

I answer wisely, not to hurt him but to make him understand. "The same reason you never told anyone about your date with a significant other." 

Shock. Yeah well it shocked me too. It hurt a lot but shock was there first. When I found out I wanted to run. I wanted to take the day off to forget about it. I couldn't believe he was dating someone. It was so un-Grissom, just like dating was not me. We stay home and read for fun, not hang out or date. We're not good at that. I thought that since he was with someone then I could be with Hank without feeling guilty, but nothing helped. It only made it worse. Hank wasn't what I wanted and Grissom was dating another woman. I grasp for the railing but can't stop myself from falling down. I would never tell him but I was jealous. The green-eyed monster reared its ugly head every time someone mentioned Grissom's new girl. I still cringe. I wonder what she is like. How far are they in their relationship? Have they...? 

"Would you have ever told me about him?" His voice is one of mutual contempt and pain. I know how he feels. 

"Grissom I-I don't know." I feel shame creeping into my veins. I want to go lay down and never wake up. My head drops and my hair hides my eyes. This would have been easier if he just left. Why is he even still here? 

tbc... 


	13. Chapter 13

A/N: It's done. Well I might do a sequel when the time calls for it. I thought it appropriate to end in a Grissom POV. Anyway, I hope you guys enjoyed it. Thank you to those that reviewed, that will review, and those that read it anyway. 

Chapter 13 

It has been quiet, too quiet. I can't believe she knows about _her_. How? "Can I ask how you found out about my date?" I choke out finally. 

She stands in front of me in her navy satin pajamas and her damp curly dark hair. "It. Um. It was an office joke." 

My love life is a joke. 

"Grissom, you know how the guys are. It..." She attempts desperately to redeem her answer. 

How did she respond to the news I wonder. Sara isn't one to get jealous. Why would she be jealous? It's not like she didn't have Hank. She could never love me anyway. An old aged man with social difficulties and apparently my romance skills aren't that good either. 

When she told me honestly that she might have kept Hank a secret, I was angry. But now I realize I was doing the same thing she was. It was no one's business, especially not Sara's, that I was seeing someone. I saw shame in her features. I pushed her away and she felt guilty. She felt ashamed that she wanted to be cared about. She thinks she was selfish. I was such an idiot. I made her feel that way then Hank hurt her. She was used and abused. I should be ashamed. 

Besides I would hardly call her a significant other. My dates or 'engagements' were my own reach for love as I lost Sara. Her only purpose was to grant release from my problems but made things more difficult. I am not supposed to be dating anyone. Solitude is my way of life. So it became another comparison, and a realization that she was not Sara. Opposites are supposed to attract anyway. Well she is opposite of Sara in every way so much I value the release but regret it. I missed Sara. I still miss what we had. I can't help like feeling that I am treading on thin ice over a very deep cold lake. No one will hear my heart drowning. 

Once again, it is too quiet for too long. I don't know what to say and evidently neither does she. Maybe she patiently awaits my departure. I really want to run, but... I don't know but it is suddenly very hard to leave. I am scared. I am embarrassed. I am crushed. I am in pain. However I do not end it. I do not run. I do not make an excuse. Why? Because I don't want to run anymore. Pushing, pulling, running is what caused the disarray to my orderly life at the start. 

"So are we going to eat soon?" I ask. The last thing we need is to reflect on the dumbest choices of the pasted several months. Well it was the dumbest choice I ever made. I can't speak for Sara. Maybe she was happy with Hank until he hurt her. But right now she is with me. I didn't lose her. 

Her delicate features comprehend my turn to change the subject. She nods but instead of reinitiating the salad she begins to ziplock the veggies and put them away. 

"What are you doing? Aren't we going to have salad?" 

"Let's have ice cream instead." 

She opens the freezer and the cold air hits me. The only thing I can think about right now is her wet hair. She could get sick standing in the cold air. 

"What flavor do you want? I have chocolate chunk mint and I have strawberry. The strawberry is kinda old though so you might have a death wish." 

"Mint." I try a smile but it is too soon. I hope it comes back. 

"Me too." She pulls out the carton and grabs two bowls from the overhead cabinet. "How many scoops?" 

"Two." I say watching her. "Do you have syrup?" 

"Yeah. On the side shelf in the fridge. Sprinkles should be in there too." 

As she deposits two ample supplies of ice cream into one dish, I retrieve the decorations. She lightly pushes a large bowl to me to provide it with chocolate syrup and sprinkles. 

"This isn't a very good supper." I point out as she retrieves the spoons. 

"So you are my boss, colleague, and my nutritionist now?" 

"You forgot friend." 

She smiles ever so slightly. "No I didn't forget." 

I half smile and want her to say more, but she just turns and makes her way into the dim living room without another word. She sits on her couch. I look at the back of her head then at my bowl of ice cream before working up the courage to sit with her. 

I sit at opposite end careful not to touch her. It is too soon to go back to comfortable grazing of bodies. The mint flavor is strong but accents the chocolate chunks and syrup. It helps to stop the throbbing in my head long enough to enjoy my bowl of ice cream with Sara Sidle. "I haven't had mint ice cream since...well it's been awhile." I say after a big bite. 

"You can't eat too much of it. It's only good when you are in the mood for it." 

"Which is usually at summer birthday parties and late night snacks." 

She smiles. It is the first I've seen in a long time. "I thought I was the only one." 

"Well you're not alone Sara. Not with me around." 

We empty our bowls just before the ice cream turns to a sickening sweet soup. I follow her gesture and place my empty bowl on the coffee table. She doesn't say anything. I resist the urge to look at my watch. I don't want her to think I want to leave. It is safe to say I have been here more than ten minutes though. 

I could always find something to talk about. I read a few new articles last week that she might find stimulating. There is always work. Cases, techniques, evidence, and even funny stories I could share if I were brave enough. I don't know sitting here with her is different that sitting with her in the lounge or in my office. Such talk seems unfamiliar and unfitting now. Maybe it's because even those talks seem too long ago. I can't say I want this to end. I welcome the silence because it is shared with her. 

The dim kitchen light hits the right side of her face illuminating the prominent bruising. I imagine I don't look much better. 

"So..." She says playing with her hands. 

"So." 

She tucks a lock of hair behind her ear. I always wanted to do that for her. Wait. Where did that come from? 

"Grissom, I don't know who she is but I am really glad you took your own advice to have a life." 

Oh. What? Did she just say what I think she said? What do I say? She looks at me expecting something. I open my mouth but nothing comes. I can only say her name. "Sara." 

"I shouldn't have put you on the spot. I'm sorry. It doesn't matter." She rises quickly and gathers the bowls. I watch her leave. I have to say something. 

"Sara, I'm not with anyone. There was never anyone but you." No. No. No. No. "I mean there was never anyone but you and the team. You guys are my life." Nice recovery Gil. Way to go. 

She stares at me. Something I cannot explain makes her look hurt and hopeful at the same time. I shouldn't have said that. It's not true. Well maybe a little. Some. Maybe. I don't know. I can't do this now. It's too much. "I should get going so you can get your rest." I stand and she speaks. 

"Grissom, thank you." 

I nod yet I am still unsure what I am being thanked for. "You are always welcome Sara. I'll see you tomorrow right?" 

"Well actually, you'll see me tonight." She smiles again ever so slightly. 

"Good." I follow her to the door. I step out reluctantly not wanting to go. "Thanks for the ice cream." 

"You're welcome back anytime for my ice cream." She picks at the wood frame of the door. "Um...the next time you come by the spare key is under that window sill." She motions to the solitary window four feet away from her door out looking the street. "That way I don't give you another possible concussion." 

I raise a weary eyebrow. "That is a safer idea for my sake but do you think you should leave a spare key in such an open place to begin with?" 

She walks to the window and runs her hand along the bottom ledge to remove a shiny silver key. I watch her hold it out. "I want you to have it then. I guess I never really found anyone to give it to before now. It's just..." Her voice trails off as I take the key. 

The key is warm from her hand if only for that brief moment. 

"If I ever get locked out, I'll need you." She finishes. 

I hope you need me anyway, I say but that isn't what comes out. "Shouldn't you give this to your neighbor?" 

"She isn't exactly someone I trust, she is just the old lady across the hall." 

For some reason, I remove my townhouse key from my key ring. It just feels right. "You can have mine. I can use my spare I have hidden to get in tonight but after that..." 

She clutches the key and looks at her feet. I know how she feels. Trust seems to be restored and ready to be rebuilt. "Well goodnight Sara." 

She looks up and again tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. "Goodnight Grissom." 

She walks inside and I travel down the stairwell to my car. I can't help but feel better. Despite the logical reason behind our exchange of keys they seem to symbolize something so much more. I reach the car with a heavy heart that I had to leave, but a smile on my face as I pull her key onto my chain. 

"Grissom!" My head shoots up to find Sara standing at the doorway. "Don't hesitate to use that key. I don't mind the company every now and again." 

I cannot stop the smile as it takes residence on my face. It almost feels odd. Those words bring back so many memories as I stood at the airport on my way to Vegas after the first time I met her. 

_"If you ever need me, don't hesitate to call."_

I shake away the precious memory. "You do the same Sara. Now get inside before you get sick." 

She sheepishly looks away. "Okay. See you tonight." 

"See you tonight Sara." I say as she disappears inside. I crawl in the Tahoe and put the keys in the ignition. Her key is right next to the ignition key. Perhaps I should begin to move forwards. It would be a nice change in direction. I don't expect things to go back to the way they were. After all of this it would seem too unfamiliar and tainted to go back to such a way of the past. The touches would seem forced or out of place. However for some reason it doesn't _feel_ like starting over. It feels like the next level. 

end. 


End file.
